#110 Roots and Wings: How to Handle Their Freedom—and Yours

In this episode, I'm diving into the emotional rollercoaster of watching our children take flight and venture out into the world without us!

I’m sharing the tear-jerking moment when my middle son left for Asia— a time filled with immense pride and joy, and also a little heartache. If you’re in this stage of life (or soon will be), this episode is definitely for you!

Here’s What You Can Expect:

💖 The Emotional Journey of Letting Go
We dream of raising independent kids, but when it happens... WOW. I’ll explore the mix of emotions that come with that shift.

💡 What “Roots and Wings” Means
I’ll share why the mantra “Roots and Wings” has helped me through this process.

💫 Rediscovering Yourself in Midlife
When your kids leave, it can make you ask, “Who am I now?” This phase is about reconnecting with yourself, rediscovering passions, and growing in joy.

💬 Practical Tips for What’s Next
You’re still YOU! I’ll offer simple ways to rediscover yourself beyond motherhood.

So, if you're navigating the emotional shift of letting go (or just curious about the “Roots and Wings” philosophy), tune in!

To find out more about my membership The Inner Space go to: https://www.pollywarren.com/theinnerspace

Email me at: info@pollywarren.com
https://www.pollywarren.com/
https://www.instagram.com/pollywarrencoaching/

Chapters

• 0:06 Roots and Wings
• 12:08 Parenting, Growth, and Independence
• 22:10 Rediscovering Yourself in Midlife

Transcript

Polly: 0:06

Are you like me, riding the roller coaster of midlife and menopause and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self-doubt? Well, it's time to stress less and shine more. It's time to ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and unleash your inner brilliance. It's never too late to transform, and you're certainly not too old, and, in my opinion, midlife and metaphors provide the perfect opportunity to do just that. Join me each week for uplifting stories and expert insights on how to feel as good as you can and create a joyful, purpose-driven life you truly love. So, whenever you're ready, let the beautiful metamorphosis begin. Hello, hello and welcome back to Metamorphosis.

Polly: 1:04

I hope you've had a fantastic week, I hope you're enjoying these episodes of the podcast, and this week I've decided to do a solo episode, and I said I wasn't going to do very many of these, but actually I've decided that I'm just going to give them a go and not overthink them, and just sit down with my microphone and just get my thoughts out. So that's exactly what I'm going to do today. And what has prompted me today to do this is to talk about the difficulty of being a parent, of the difficulty that it is to let go of our kids when they get to a certain age and send them out into the world. And I've entitled this podcast episode Roots and Wings because that has been my mantra. So stick with me, I'm going to explain what I mean by that. I'm going to explain what I mean by that, but let me just start by telling you a little bit about where I'm at with this situation, with this time in my life.

Polly: 2:13

So I don't know if you know, but I've got three children. So my eldest is at university. He's just turned 20. My middle one is 18 and he's on a gap year, having left college last year, and then I've got a 15 year old. So they are all growing up really fast and it only seems literally like five minutes ago when they were tiny. I mean, I remember so vividly this one time I had both the boys in a, in a double buggy, and they were literally babies, these two blonde haired little babies. There's only 17 months between the two of them and it was at that point in my life where I literally didn't have one second to myself. So if you have children, you'll know what it's like. So they must have been about six months and two.

Polly: 3:10

So even going for a wee was virtually impossible without having everybody with me and all I craved was time to myself. I remember it so vividly. I just craved for someone to say I'll have them for half an hour just so I could have a bit of time. I had no time to myself, and that's what we do as parents. It's very difficult to get that time and at that particular point I was still on maternity leave. I took a year for both my kids because it was never really worth me going back, and actually I took a bit longer for my second one because actually they were so little that it would have cost me more in child care at that point than it would have to actually go back to teaching. So I didn't have any help from family because I was living away from my family.

Polly: 4:01

And I do remember feeling like I was going to go slightly mad. I remember pushing my double buggy one day and this I suppose she was I don't know how old she was, but she was more elderly than me, she must've been in her seventies eighties said to me oh, aren't they gorgeous babies? And I was like yes. And he said just treasure every single moment because before you know it they will be gone. And I remember in that moment, thinking to myself, but all I want is a moment to myself and I just felt like it was a million years away to when I would get that.

Polly: 4:39

And here I find myself today and I've just got my daughter, my 15 year old, at home, my eldest, felix he's at uni and Alfie yesterday we dropped him off at the airport to go traveling for the next three months or so off to Asia on his own, and now I have so much more time for myself than ever before. If that younger version of me could now see where I am today, she wouldn't quite believe it. And I am so torn with emotions about this whole situation because obviously I know it's the best thing for him. But at the same time I have just got this pang in my heart because I'm going to miss him so much and it's just like another one almost fleeing the nest. So I just want to really dive into that today because, having spoken to other women my age and friends, when our children start to spread their wings and start to fly away, it can feel bloody hard, and I mean I was a mess at the airport.

Polly: 6:02

I was really thinking to myself I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry and of course I did, but at the same time for him, honestly, this could not be better for him, this child in particular, who is the one whenever we go on holiday and we've been very fortunate to go to far off places with as a family but he is the one at the back with half of his clothes falling out of his bag. He doesn't know where his passport is, he doesn't know where he's going, he's just following what we're doing, whereas the first one, felix, he's always up front in charge, wanting to take control. So I suppose I'm feeling a little bit more anxious about Alfie going out into the world because his I haven't got great experience of him proving and showing to me that he absolutely knows what he's up to. But that is why I know doing this trip on his own is going to be so good for him, and just the fact that he has chosen to go solo has just filled me with so much admiration, because it takes courage to go travelling on your own. Not that many people can do it, but the fact that he's doing it, just honestly. I'm just. I could not be prouder.

Polly: 7:27

I really do want to just send all the love and a big embrace, a big hug to all you other mums out there who really are going through a similar thing, going through a similar thing, and I think it's really important to address this because, as midlife women, when our children start to grow up, start to leave or just simply start to need us less, it can often leave us feeling uncertain about our role and our identity. Feeling uncertain about our role and our identity. So that's something I am going to really delve into today. So if you are also a mum, you'll know you'll know what it feels like when you've devoted so much time, so much energy to raising and supporting your kids, and often that requires a certain amount of sacrifice on your behalf. But obviously that is what we do, that is what we choose to do.

Polly: 10:19

So when our children start to become more independent, they start to be able to do more things on their own and they start to live their own lives, it can lead to a sense of emptiness, and I suppose that's why it's sometimes that's why it's referred to as emptiness syndrome is that there is a bit of emptiness to that, and that is often when relationships there anymore there can be a real struggle to reconnect without the children as the central focus. And also and I think this happens to many women and this has definitely happened to me in the past it really does make you question your sense of self beyond being a parent. So you might start to really think about that question who am I now? What is my purpose outside of motherhood? And that transition period really can be quite emotionally turbulent. However, it can also be an incredible opportunity for personal growth, for rediscovering your passions and your loves and building a really fulfilling life beyond motherhood. And let's not forget, this isn't like the end of motherhood. You never, ever, stop being a parent. They're always going to be coming back. But it's time, I think, to really start focusing more on you. So, yes, the mix of emotions is real.

Polly: 12:08

I mean I at the moment, I'm just feeling this massive sense of pride for Alf for going off of pride for Alf for going off for doing this, for doing it on his own. I've obviously got quite a big amount of anxiety about is he going to be okay? What if he loses his passport? What if? What if, what if? All of those things coming up. But again, I'm just trying to refocus my attention on the fact that this is really exciting for him. This is an amazing opportunity for him to find out loads about himself, to prove to himself that he can do it. And actually one of my big things I said to him before he went was you know, there are going to be really shit times, times where you probably would rather be at home, times which feel really uncomfortable, times where you're probably staying somewhere, not very nice times, so you might be feel a bit scared, but actually all of those moments are opportunities to prove to yourself that you can overcome those moments. And when you're on the other side of those moments, you will feel so that's, you'll feel so much confidence and you'll feel so proud of yourself, and that is how we grow confidence, and so that is how I'm reframing it to myself, I've reframed it to him.

Polly: 13:24

But also obviously there's there is a lot of sadness, the sadness that life is moving on and I'll miss him, walking into my, into my office, sitting on my, on my cozy chair, and coming and having a chat. Him and I are very. He's been working at the moment recently to make money to go on this trip. He's a great one for going and getting a little sweet treat in the afternoons and we have a cup of tea, a sweet treat although I'm not going to miss that, because I need to start doing that but those little moments which obviously fill me with a little bit of sadness, it is a real paradox, isn't it?

Polly: 14:02

Parenting? We raise our kids to be independent. That's, that's our role. Our role is to to support them, to love them, so that they can create the groundedness, the roots that allows them to start to go out into the world, to start to be independent. It doesn't make it any easier, but that's our role. And I suppose the fear comes from the unknown. You know, what if they do struggle? What if something does happen? What if they need you and you're not there? But you know, we just have to trust. We have to trust that we have done a good enough job, we have given them those roots that they know how to handle themselves in a crisis, in a difficult time.

Polly: 14:58

I suppose some people might also say there is an element of grief to it, the fact that you're losing a child, but let's just think of it actually as it's more, almost as a success. I like that reframe. It's a success in that we have done our jobs really well. The fact that they feel like they can go off into the world, that is that's what we want. But if you're a parent whose child actually doesn't want to go out there, who has no interest in leaving the home yet, then that too is okay.

Polly: 15:33

And I suppose, as parents, our job is just to keep building those roots downwards, keep nurturing those roots downwards, so that they feel able at some point to be able to start to flee the nest and and go and make their lives what they want. To make it. It is really like building a nest, isn't it? You spend years carefully weaving every branch, strengthening the foundation of the nest, preparing a really beautifully safe space, and then one day they've just got to fly away. And it doesn't mean that home was unimportant or wasn't essential. It is so important. But its purpose was always to provide that launching pad, that place where they can always come back. But actually they can now go fly away, and it's. You know, we also handle that very differently, always been quite good at just trying to be there when they need me and then not be too much of a helicopter, mum.

Polly: 16:41

Having said that, I have literally checked my uh, find my iPhone app this morning about a hundred times to see whether he's landed where he's now. Uh, and, and, honestly, technology is so bloody amazing, isn't it? Because we can keep in touch so easily. I've already had a message, a few messages, from him and I can see exactly where he is. So it's not like it used to be when we were all going traveling, where you just went and hoped for the best and might write one letter home if your parents were lucky. So it is very, very different. If your parents were lucky, so it is very, very different.

Polly: 17:19

But yeah, I think a healthy approach is to really have a balance of staying connected with them, offering guidance when it's needed, but allowing them space for growth and for their own self-discovery, however difficult that might be. So, my roots and wings mantra well, I've kind of referred to it already, but this comes from my husband, actually, because he literally has said it to me so many times when I've been going I don't want them to go, I'm not ready, but I just love it because it just sums it up that that's our jobs as parents is we give them the roots, we put those, that grounding in place so that they can fly away. It's kind of that's what we're giving them, that freedom to be able to explore the world on their own terms. And those roots really do represent the values that we instill in them and the life skills that we've instilled in them over and over the years, which we've nagged them about, you know, table manners, politeness, all those sorts of things. These are the guiding principles that will keep them grounded no matter where life takes them, and the wings symbolize the courage and the independence they need to step into adulthood and make their own choices and navigate challenges, and accepting as well that they are going to mess up, they are going to make mistakes and that we can't always rescue them, and I think that's the hardest thing. But the more that we can let them make their own mistakes the better, because then they learn more quickly. Every time we interfere and try and make it better, we're stopping them from being able to learn.

Polly: 19:06

And why I feel it's important enough to make a podcast this week is because many of us, as I mentioned, feel a little bit lost when children leave, and I think this is very, very normal because it's a major life transition that can really bring about some deep reflection. And I don't know about you, but in menopause perimenopause that has triggered a lot in me to really reflect on myself and make me question you know, what is this all about? What is life all about? To fly the nest. It's really, really important to start thinking about you and thinking about your life, because if you don't have anything other than the kids to focus on, yeah, it's going to be really blimmin' hard and it's going to make life feel really empty. So this is a really, really brilliant time to spend some time going inwards, focusing on you, focusing in on what are you doing that truly fuels you, lights you up, what are your passions and are you doing things that help fulfill that?

Polly: 20:41

This is where a lot of people struggle, I think, when you don't have anything outside of work and family which is just for you, and I think for me, that was very much the case. Thankfully, now my work is very much something which fuels me, it fulfills me, I've got a purpose, I'm on a mission and I could spend hours and hours doing what I do. I love reading around all the things I'm learning about. I've started training. Well, I started training about five years ago in various things, and I've not stopped, and I think that is something which we could all if you feel like you do have this feeling of emptiness really think about. What can you do to continue growing into the version of yourself that is the best version of yourself, growing into the version of yourself that is the best version of yourself, and learning or acquiring new skills is such a brilliant way to do that. It's just a matter of finding a little spark, a little interest, something, and just following it. You don't need to know where it's going to end up or what it's going to lead to. The idea is that you just enjoy the process of doing it. So I would really highly recommend that, because the first thing I did was starting to learn about menopause, perimenopause.

Polly: 22:10

That started it all off me, just because I was so curious to how I could sort myself out and what I was experiencing at the time. That then led me to learning how to be a health coach, a life coach. I did loads of courses in that. That then opened my eyes to so many other things, and so I just followed the things which were lighting me up, and that has really that's what's led me here today, and at the time I was still working. I had my own business, my own nutrition business, so I was keeping that going. I was still doing that and gradually, gradually, gradually, I realised, oh, I might be able to make some money doing the coaching. I might be able to actually help other people. So, very slowly it was almost like a seesaw effect I started just sort of seeing if I could do less and less of the tuition and a little bit more of the coaching, and then I went all in finally with the coaching.

Polly: 23:08

So I'm not saying that you have to start a business about it with your using your passion. It could simply be. I used to love drawing and painting, so are you doing anything about that? Are you going to? Could you go to a class and start painting and drawing? If you love playing the piano, that's something I used to love to do and so recently I started playing again. Oh, my goodness, that fills me with so much joy. The Simply Piano app is absolutely incredible. I can play along very simply to Coldplay and have the music and hear someone sing for me whilst I'm playing, and I can absolutely lose myself in that. I absolutely love it.

Polly: 23:54

So what I'm saying really is it's important to reconnect to you, to what you love, to rediscover what lights you up and also, along with that, if you are in a relationship often and there's a lot of big stats about this I can't remember off the top of my head what the stats are but a lot of couples at midlife, when kids start to get a little bit older, start to have breakups more and more and more, and that is put down to the fact that suddenly, when the kids aren't there, you actually have to spend some time with each other, and a lot of couples realize that they haven't really got any shared interests anymore. They haven't got much in common anymore. So my advice on that would be just to really start to nurture those common interests. Do those things which both of you really enjoy. Go and have some fun together. Now you've got a bit more space and time, go and have fun together. This is something which, I must admit, my husband and I have been very good at. We're very good at going and doing things just the two of us having a laugh, doing something which just brings us joy and that has kept our marriage really, really, really strong. Um, so yeah, I thought I'd just add that in.

Polly: 25:26

I am no marriage expert, but having fun doing things together, away from the kids, I think, is one of the key, key things which we all need to be doing, because, ultimately, our kids are not going to be with us forever. And also nurturing our friendships. Not letting our friendships drift past us again when you're in the real eye of the storm of parenting, when, every when, you're just doing everything for everybody else, you've got no time Again. You can sometimes just let your friendships fizzle, and a good friend, however, is always going to be there for you. But this is a great time now to spend more time with friends doing things you want to do, going on weekends away, trying new activities. But I think most, most importantly, this is a great time to really prioritize yourself, prioritize self-care, mindfulness. It's a great time to really make sure that you are fully looking after yourself in the best way possible.

Polly: 26:33

With a little bit more time, you can now really work on that relationship with yourself. Are you moving your body in the way that you want to be doing that? Are you eating well? Are you spending some time to really notice what you're thinking? Are you spending time to let go of those thoughts and those beliefs that no longer serve you. So that could be through a whole series of different activities. It could just be going for a walk, it could be through practicing meditation, it could be through journaling, through breathwork, whatever.

Polly: 27:11

And if you are at a loss of what to do, come and join me on weekday mornings, monday, wednesday, friday for the inner space, we do a lot of going inwards and just really connecting with our brilliant selves, because we're all in there. It's not like we have to look outside of ourselves. Our brilliance is always in there. What's happened over time? We've just built up layer upon layer of crap, what society tells us we should be doing our own limiting beliefs about ourselves, loads and loads of layers of stuff we have built up on top of our true essence. And actually what we do, what I do, in my inner space sessions, is that every session is an opportunity to peel back a layer so that you can connect inwards to your absolute brilliance, to the magic that is you, and that ultimately allows more of you to shine. So that is definitely a way where you can really reconnect with yourself and just spend 20 minutes three times a week to do that. So, yes, word of encouragement to anybody else experiencing what I'm experiencing, and yes, this has been really useful for me to remind myself of all these things.

Polly: 28:33

This phase of life, it's not an end, it is a beginning. It really is a beginning. It's just different. It's just getting used to this new season of life. We're still parents. We're still, we always, always will be. That's never going to change. And I know that the time's going to pass so quickly and I know that Alf's going to be back annoying me, leaving things all over the kitchen and bedroom and everywhere before I know it, and I'm still going to probably end up nagging him then. But for now I'm just going to really enjoy a little bit of space. I'm going to enjoy this feeling of pride I have.

Polly: 29:15

I can still also feel the sadness and miss him, but it's okay. That's okay to feel all the feelings. That's so important. We've got to just let ourselves feel all the feelings. We can feel sad and immensely happy for them all at the same time. So you're not alone. You're still you, but do make sure that you take action on really spending time, to enjoy spending time with yourself and with others. So I hope that has given you something my ramblings today. Please do let me know if it's resonated. Please do feel free to share this episode. Please do feel free to share your thoughts with me. You can come over to Instagram at Polly Ron Coaching. Please also do subscribe or hit the ratings button if you enjoyed this episode. Have a wonderful week and I can't wait to speak to you next time. Take care lots of love. Bye, thank you.