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Reclaiming Your Power & Unshakeable Self Worth With Star Monroe

• Polly Warren

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In this powerful episode, I chat to the incredible Star Monroe, a Licensed Psychotherapist, Master Life Coach, and mentor for bold, brilliant women over 40. 

Star has lived many lives—battling addiction, toxic relationships, people-pleasing, and relentless achievement-seeking—only to rise stronger each time. She doesn’t just teach transformation; she embodies it.

Star gets raw about the deep conditioning that keeps us stuck, how to break free from self-sabotage, and why the greatest love affair you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. 

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from who you really are or tired of proving your worth to the world, this episode is for you.

What You’ll Learn:

✅ How childhood conditioning shapes our patterns of self-sabotage and self-doubt
 ✅ The power of reparenting your inner child to heal deep emotional wounds
 ✅ Why external validation keeps women stuck—and how to break free
 ✅ How to reconnect with your body and intuition to cultivate unshakable self-worth
 ✅ Simple, practical rituals to shift your mindset and step into your power

This conversation is honest, inspiring, and packed with wisdom you can actually use. Tune in now—your transformation starts here!

To connect with Star and to download her free gift go to:

https://www.instagram.com/msstarmonroe
https://www.msstarmonroe.com/  


To find out more about my membership The Inner Space go to: https://www.pollywarren.com/theinnerspace

Email me at: info@pollywarren.com
https://www.pollywarren.com/
https://www.instagram.com/pollywarrencoaching/

Polly:

Are you, like me, riding the roller coaster of midlife and menopause and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self-doubt? Well, it's time to stress less and shine more. It's time to ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and unleash your inner brilliance. It's never too late to transform, and you're certainly not too old and, in my opinion, midlife and menopause provide the perfect opportunity to do just that. Join me each week for inspiring stories and expert insights on topics covering all things midlife, menopause and personal development. So when you're ready, let the beautiful menomorphosis begin you, thank you. Welcome to the podcast, star. Thanks so much for joining me.

Star:

I'm very excited for this conversation today yes, I thank you for having me, polly.

Polly:

I'm excited and honored to be here with you oh well, this is going to be good because, as I I've been diving into all of your content and there are many things I'm looking forward to unpacking with you, I think a good place to start is you and your kind of I hate that word journey, but you wrote somewhere on your website that for most of your life, you were the architect of your own downfall. So I wonder if you could give us a little bit of background about you. Know what exactly was your downfall? Was there a moment where you realised that you know right?

Star:

things have really got to start to turn around for me now okay, um, yes, so I and that's how I would describe it I was the architect, and I know I've changed it to downfall, but it feels like I was the architect of my destruction. Um, and as I've done a lot of unraveling work on me and I did that in my fourth decade, my 40s what I came to? The realisation? Well, I went through my life until I got into my early 40s thinking there was something wrong with me, thinking that I was broken, thinking that I was broken, thinking that I was unlovable, as I was thinking that if I just worked harder, if I just looked a certain way, if I just did more, then and this wasn't a conscious thing, this was a subconscious thing I I, you know know as I, if I take myself back, I wasn't doing this consciously, it was a subconscious driver, and people over the years have said to me star, you're so driven, you're so driven. And what I've come to understand, as I'm now in my fifties, is that I was running away from who I was. I was running away from myself. And so this journey of me not liking myself, of believing that there was something inherently wrong with me, started around the age of 11. It probably started before then. But that's when I tell the story it really does. But that's when I tell the story it really does. It pinpoints there.

Star:

I remember reading the Vogue Beauty Bible. I used to love Vogue, I used to love all the books I used to love I still do love anything around the body and wellness. And it said, as I opened up this book, it said for you to be attractive, for you to be desirable, that you need to be able to. Uh, when you lay down, play some ruler from hip bone to hip bone and slide a hand on underneath and with with space, and also when you stand and put your legs together, you want to have three gaps between your legs. Well, I remember then I was in my bedroom and I looked in the mirror and I was just like that's not me, I don't do that. So this and I'm going to fast track it just spiraled me into this massive journey of self-hate where I journeyed through anorexia bulimia.

Star:

I was severely bullied at school and, just kind of like, was taught by my mom and dad to be the good girl. Just to, you know I was. I'm the eldest of four, so just get on with it. She's fine, she's all right, she's good, she's got this, leave her to it. Um, something happened. And there's various times where I can say this now my journey, where I just went do you know what I'm done? I'm done doing this. So one was at 16 where I just stood up to the know what I'm done, I'm done doing this. So one was at 16 where I just stood up to the bullies and went I'm not doing this anymore.

Star:

And I kind of had this reclamation of myself and then had this reclamation, lost myself in drinking and boys and sex and I equated sex for love. And then this kind of spiraled through my teens into my 20s when I met my first husband and I I would say people could tell me over, write your memoirs and yet I just haven't they're coming. But I just feel like the further I get forward in my life I have a better perspective of everything. So I look at my 20s as my domesticated years. So I got married. Well, we traveled the world, I got married, I became pregnant, we had George and I just was like this married woman, like how patriarchal world sort of depicts, and I knew I always wanted to work. So I was running businesses since I've been 18. I was in the health and fitness arena. I remember my husband at the time said I don't want you working, I want you at home. And I was just like I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that and and and. There's this massive free spirit in me that I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But I couldn't quite do it in my 20s.

Star:

As my 30s approached, we separated, we fell out of love with each other and I didn't really do anything about navigating my feelings or the grief around divorce. I was a freshly single mum and my ex-husband abdicated all responsibility and just went off the face of the earth and left me. Uh, I was running a business, um, left me just holding on to everything the house I knew. I paid my ex-husband out of the house. He wouldn't go unless he had got a chunk of change and I just spiraled in a really weird way. So, like one way I kind of just made my dreams come true.

Star:

I opened up one of the UK's first pole dancing schools. I couldn't pole dance, I didn't even know how to hold myself up on a pole, and yet I had 30 women in this dingy nightclub in Kent and I just took it into a huge business empire over the sort of 12 to 15 years, became an international showgirl. And so I then, in that expanse of time, I started life coaching. I started running retreats. Business was going really well. I was running a Pilates studio, but underneath in the backstory, I was partying.

Star:

I was hooked on abusive relationships with men that showed their affection with their fists and harsh words. I thought I could save men, I thought I could rescue, I thought I could change them, and I then got addicted to cocaine. I spent all my money, I overworked myself, I had nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, and one of the points because there's not been one in my life, there's been many was 2008. And I found myself in a hotel floor in the morning, curled up like in a fetal position, clutched around this bottle of wine, and I was crying. And I woke up and I was like how did I get here? What's going on? And it was.

Star:

It came back to me in flashbacks and I drove drunk the night before because I'd run out of cocaine at my house and about that time I was doing it on my own and I knew if I checked into the hotel, I could carry on drinking. And so I woke up with this half bottle of wine, um, and that kind of. And also at the same time I just had my nose done and I think I'd had a new pair of boobs. I've done, I've had lots of plastic surgery so these massive pair of bazookas, um, and I just was like you can't do this. You know you've got a child, you're ruining your life, your money, you haven't got any money and you just have to sort your shit out. And so within a week I'd stopped using cocaine and I'd been using it for seven years and I'd stopped drinking at the same time.

Star:

But what I did was channel my addictions. I'd stopped drinking at the same time, but what I did was channel my addictions into another hobby, which was healthier. But you know it was healthier and what it was was bodybuilding. And so I hadn't been in the gym for at least 10 years. I was pole dancing, but I hadn't done any training. And so within a year I was on the British stage. I came 10th in the UK, my goodness.

Star:

And then then that was really good because it gave me a rigid structure, like a real. And this is what I see with the clients that come into my life. They're looking for structure. They're looking for this kind of like tell me what to do, tell me what to do. And it worked until it didn't work. And then what started to happen was this unraveling. And so I was now late 30s and there's lots of nuances to my story, but I mentioned the nervous breakdowns and the drink came back in.

Star:

I never went back to cocaine I'm like 17 or 18 years clean this year but when I hit my 40s I noticed something about myself and these were patterns. They were reoccurring patterns and it's like cycles of toxic behaviors. One was I was in and out of a codependent, abusive relationship. So we would be together. He's my soul flame, he's the one it's okay. And you know he would treat me terribly, I would treat him terribly, and then we'd be like ended, that's it, no, no more. So there was that, but it was going on and off, on and off. The second one was my drinking. I would drink and then stop, drink and then stop.

Star:

And then the final one was I was working out really hard to get this banging body, or to get the body that I found in the bodybuilding world, and then I would get it and then I would binge eat and just go. Oh, I don't want to do it. So, and I remember this point and I said to myself there's something going on here, and you either go back to therapy because I'd been in therapy since my 20s you go back to therapy or you train to be a therapist. So what are you going to do? What are you going to do?

Star:

And so what I did was through my decade of my 40s, was put myself back to school, and I did it purely for me, because I wanted to understand me. I wanted to understand why I hated myself so much, why I destroyed myself, why I would build my life up to a certain level and then pull it all the way down again and again and again and again. And so I trained as a psychotherapist. Then I went into body psychotherapy, because we can only get so far in our heads. So that's how body holds, really, what's going on. And then I just did all these trainings around. So the psychology of eating, relationship, dynamics, intimacy I just kept training and training, and training, because I wanted to understand myself at such a deep level.

Star:

And so I call my 40s well. So my 20s are my domesticated years. My 30s were my rock and roll years. My 40s were my unravelling, and so it was this unravelling of all the masks that I'd ever taken on in my life and coming back home and reparenting the little version of me, my inner child. And so I really and that took years, and that's the crux of my work, especially with private clientele it's like being able to reparent the parts that we've been taught are unlovable. We've dismissed them, we've ignored them, we've kicked them under the rug, and so it was really coming back home to all these parts of me, this reclamation of me and this understanding that there's no bad parts of me. There's no bad parts of me. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without all these parts. And so in all of that I kind of well, I remember finishing all my psychotherapy and going, oh yeah, I'm healed, I'm done, I can move on.

Star:

And then what happened was my second husband came into my life and I remember I was exhausted, I was burnt out, tired, I had no money because I had to go bankrupt. So I was living on the bread line, still bringing up my child, single mama, um, working all the time, and I was just just like, oh, there's a man, he can take care of me, and so I was like you take care of me, you do everything. And so I fell into this relationship really quick. We both did, and what I realized now, well, I realized didn't realize at the time but that was my initiation into real deep inner child reclamation work, because my inner child had chosen him. My wounded inner child, the one who wanted to be adored, wanted to be loved, wanted to be taken care of. She chose him, makes me want to cry when I'm telling you this. She chose him.

Star:

And then this work that I had to go through was way worse than anything that I did the five years previous, but it was awful. I was having panic attacks, I was having anxiety, I wanted to kill myself. It was just so awful. But what it was? It was this tearing off of the parts of me that were no longer needed anymore. And I had to feel the pain that I never felt before, and you think all the years when I've numbed myself out with alcohol, with men, with drugs, with food, and it's like I had to feel it, and it was just so hard, so awful.

Star:

And eventually I welcomed my inner child. She felt safe. She didn't, she hated me, she wouldn't come to me, um, so it took me a good six months for even her to listen to me. She was in a cage inside me, um, and so it took a long time for me to reclaim and reparent her, and the upshot of that marriage is that we ended that marriage. I chose to end that marriage. We're good friends still, actually. I would say that's a sign of my maturity. We're good friends and we still actually. I just saw my ex-husband in London and then, yeah, that kind of that takes me up into kind of my fifties, and so I I can carry on talking about my journey, but maybe I just I can take off.

Polly:

I mean, there's so much. There's so much in that which is like whoa. Just the fact that, despite you know, forget about all the, all the kind of the alcoholism and the drug taking, you know the fact that you became a pole dancer and had like this amazing business with the pole dancing and then the kind of number 10 in bodybuilding, that alone I was just like whoa. It's amazing, it's so interesting, isn't it? Because I think your story is and it's obviously there's a lot that's gone on, but I think a lot of women can really relate to so much of it in some way or other, because all of us have part, those parts of us which have been felt unseen, unheard, unloved, all of those, all of the parts which you, you've talked about. So that's why I think it's so admirable that you are sharing your story and doing, obviously, doing the work that you're doing in terms of the sort of you know you said it was the reclamation of you which is what you needed to do in terms of that, and I'm just thinking in terms of the people who are listening yeah, where, where does one start? Because I know, I know personally for myself when I hit my 40s.

Polly:

So for me it was like you know, I had three small kids at home. My husband worked away a lot. I I have an amazing relationship and I never take that for granted but there was a time where I literally thought I was gonna go mental. I had no space for myself and I was bitter, I was angry. All this resentment came out because I was at home looking after kids. I was still, I was working, but I was felt like I was doing it all and there was no space for me to be me and I didn't really know who I was and I hear that a lot now from others. So's like where do, where do we go from here? What's, what's kind of? What's the next step? What? How do we start to reclaim um?

Star:

it's that and I hear you about your story as well. It it is and I feel that as well that it's this intense pressure that this society brainwashes us women to fall into this role of doing it all, of taking charge of everything. And so the first thing is the first thing is to know that it's not your fault. At some point you have to take responsibility. So I'm not letting people abdicate responsibility, but first of all, it's like it's not your fault, and the way that I started years ago was you have to. Well, there's a couple of things. One, the awareness like what's going on? What do I keep repeating? There's two really easy questions. It's like what do I do that lights me up, that brings me joy, and what do I do that divests my energy, that drains the very life force out of me? And it's good to take an inventory of that, to sit down with your pen and paper. But you take an inventory, but then you need to take action on that inventory and go oh, I'm, I'm people pleasing, I'm saying yes when I should. I want to say no, um, I'm running myself ragged. But here's the. Here's the thing as well. The brainwashing goes deep. The brainwashing goes deep. So you, you women, will talk themselves out of it. Oh, there's no problem, it's okay. I need to be able to handle this. This is, this is okay, this is normal and just an experience like in my life. Like you just think, oh, things are going to get easier, and then and this is one of the big parts of my work is you've got to be able to manage the chaos of life, because life is chaotic, it's uncertain you only have to look out into the world space right now and you have to be able to handle whatever comes your way. And so I'm this year. I thought I was going one way and I'm not. I'm going a different way. And I was talking to my mum about it and I don't tend to talk to my parents about it, because the narrative that she comes back, she goes well, you'll be okay. Well, you'll be okay, you can just get on with it. Now I was walking this morning and thinking about that and I was like, no, that's good, I will always be okay. It's that like a mantra.

Star:

But I do need to be heard. I do need to be heard. I do need to be heard and and and someone to say, wow, this is hard start. This sounds really difficult for you. So it's finding the community, it's finding a therapist, it's finding someone that will hold space for you to offload and and, like I've come from a background of being a counselor, psychotherapist, sat in my chair where there is a lot of support out here in the world and being heard without someone dropping their agenda in on you. Oh well, you've got it hard, listen to me.

Star:

So no, that's, and I always say there's a way that we have communication, deep communication, with our friends that really fosters intimacy and connection, and so it's fine.

Star:

One is recognizing this doesn't work for me. Two, finding the space where you're heard, and that will probably be some kind of talk therapy, because you think about it and, polly, you probably would have experienced this, because you think about it and, polly, you, you probably would have experienced this. So it's all inside us, isn't it? It's inside and we've kept it inside because of the brainwashing that we should be able to keep going and we're weak and we're a failure as a mother, a wife, a friend, and so we just need to keep going because she over there, she's doing it, and that person on tv and they've done that influencer. Well, she's got it going on. So there's obviously something wrong with me. So it's finding someone then to talk, and I think talk therapy is a is. There's all stages and it's a stage where you will talk it, talk it out, and then you're going to get to a point where you're like I've done enough talking, I need to take action.

Polly:

And when they need to take action that's normally when they land into my world, when they need to take action yes, I resonate with that because, yeah, for me, exactly that I didn't tell anybody how I was feeling for so long, I was just soldiering through. It was all. All of my resentment was coming out with my kids, with my husband and, and my anger and in a way, it was similar. I kind of did some, I went into coaching and I did lots of coaching courses and then it kind of led me down to lots of other different trainings. I spent my entire 40s as well actually doing a huge number of different trainings, um, and that allowed me, that gave me space, because when you're doing those trainings, it's amazing, you get the therapy yourself to, to really discover and so much about yourself, which is quite mind-blowing, because it's like, well, how did I not even know any of this about myself which I've been carrying like this big burden for such a long time? Yeah, so I love that.

Polly:

One thing you talk a lot about is, as the foundations of all of this is unshakable self-worth, yes, which again is probably one of the biggest limits we all put on ourself, in the sense that we, we don't believe, well, we, just we don't believe that we are worthy and we, you know, and that shows up in so many, so many different ways. So star again for that person who is listening. What, what can they, what sort of you know? They're feeling like they've noticed that, they've recognized that. What are some of the actions, what are some of the things that they can start to implement today to help well?

Star:

again, again. I always say a woman who knows her value, a woman who knows her worth, will always get what she wants, because she will not compromise, she won't bend, she won't mold, she won't lose herself in anyone or anything, because she knows herself, she's rooted in herself. And that takes time and this is why I like working with women. I always say I like working with women who are older, I like working with women with a mature outlook on life, because you've got to have a mature outlook to do this work, this deep introspective work, and also it comes through a period of time of us getting older as well. So it's this, this reclamation of yourself. But the first one is like you've got to understand what you're pitted up against. You're pitted up against a patriarchal society that is in full force right now. Full force right now. You are pitted up against generational lineage that all the men and women before you has come through their DNA, into your DNA. So you're carrying all that stuff You're carrying from the witches that were women who spoke their mind and were burnt. There's stories even way before that, and I can't remember what it was, but it's such a long time ago. When a woman spoke her mind, she was hit with a brick. So, like there's and there's so many stories about this through the ages, where women open their mouths to speak their truths, we have been silenced. You carry that all the way through, and so it's this understanding that you are part of this and yet you can do things differently. It can stop with you, and for it to stop with you it does mean that you've got to stop drinking the Kool-Aid. You've got to stop drinking the Kool-Aid. That and this will blow your mind. You won't be doing this for like two days and then getting on with it. You'll be doing this for the rest of this year and then you'll be carrying on doing it because it's so easy to get stuck back in.

Star:

You're questioning, like your role, like who am I? Who am I if I'm not a mum? Who am I if I'm not? I was just talking to a client on Monday. I was like, oh, you're the fixer. I said you're the. You're a fixer. You want to fix everything.

Star:

So, inherently, we get, we want to get our sense of love and sense of belonging as human beings. That is, we want that and it. We'll never stop here. But when we, if we're told, when we're young. If we're angry, if we're sad, if we're just even too happy, don't be too happy, don't do this. We learn very early on not to be ourselves, and then we put masks on ourselves so we can please mummy and daddy. Oh well, if I'm a good girl, if I'm quiet, then mummy and daddy love me, and I feel like I get my sense of belonging. The thing is, though, that we're no longer children, so this is where you start taking responsibility, and so you have to be aware that you're spoon fed this bullshit every single day. It's one of the reasons why I moved to Turkey as well.

Star:

I don't listen to any of the news. I don't understand the language. I'm just in my own little bubble, so I'm not getting absorbed in all the dredge that's going on. So one, you've got to question everything. Question everything that I say. Question everything that Polly says.

Star:

Don't take it for gospel, because that's the sheep that we've been instilled to be to follow everybody. You are your own guru. You've got your own inner wisdom, your own inner genius, your own higher self. Your job is to tune into that. The other thing, as well, is that and this comes back to the worth piece the.

Star:

The value piece is and I and I still find myself unwrapping this right that I get my worth if I look a certain way. I get my worth if I work harder. I get my worth if I do more, and so what it is, it's unpacking this, and you're probably going to have to do this with a therapist or a really experienced coach that can hold this for you. You can't do this work on your. There's no way you can do this work on your own because you can't see it, because if you could see it, you could change it. So the thing is, most of my client they cannot see it. My job is to see what they can't see, and so you go. Well, who am I if I'm not a fixer? Who am I if I'm not an overproducer? Who am I if I sit and rest and take a breath? And so that probably instills fear in a lot of women, or uncertainty or anxiety, because the fact that it's just a notion that you, you are, your worth is from you. You're inherently worthy.

Star:

Your job is to chip away at all the conditioning, all the nonsense, everyone else's opinion that you've taken on over the, over the life, and to tune in to your genius, your higher and to be your best version. So in my world, it's the high standards woman to be the highest version of yourself which does mean that you have to uphold yourself to higher standards. But again, I'm like neck deep in my work, I'm over here in this work, and so as you start, it's this recognizing. What BS have I taken on board? Is this mine? What is my opinion? What do I think about this?

Star:

It's finding someone to listen to you. It's understanding that reclaiming your worth and building it back up your way takes time and you're going to probably need support to do that. It's not impossible. I'm not going to say it's easy, because this path is not easy. It's for the warrioresses in life. It's for the women that know that they're here for more. And you've got to fight tooth and nail for yourself. Because we're in a world that wants to pull you away from yourself, that wants you to be disconnected from yourself, that wants you to hate your body, that wants you to numb out with Sauvignon Blanc the food, the endless scrolling, because when you do that, you are so easily manipulated, you're so easily controlled, and it's like the world doesn't like a woman who can't be controlled because no one can get their hooks in.

Star:

There's a quote by Gayle Dines, and Gayle Dines, I think she's a doctor. She did a lot of research around the pornography industry. But she said if women woke up tomorrow morning and looked in the mirror and liked what they see, the whole of capitalism would just crumble, would crumble on the floor because it hinges. If you just look on TikTok, if you just look on Instagram, everything is hinging on us, hating ourselves and trying to find that next desperate quick fix so we can numb the feelings of self-loathing, of self-disgust and in my world it's actually like those feelings.

Star:

They're there for you to feel, for you to go and swim in, for you to go and make allies and make friends with and to understand that, oh, I've been taught this and there are going to be parts of you that you don't like, that you're disgusted with. Your job is to be friends with all parts of you. No part of you can be ever be left alone. There's a quote by joe joan dydian and she says if you do not take I'm going to bastardize the quote but if you do not take care of your inner parts, at 4am in the morning, someone's going to come knocking at the door going. Excuse me, excuse me, why the fuck aren't you taking any notice of me? And that's when you self-sabotage, that's when you pull it all down, because there's a part of you that doesn't feel safe, there's a part of you that feels like you're ignoring them.

Polly:

So what would you say, Star, when one of those parts comes up? Can you just talk us through? How do you go through that Sure?

Star:

So I'm going to preface this and this is great for your listeners. To experiment with. This is I love the word experiment right, so you play with this and also, as well, all my words, my wisdom. Take what resonates. If you think it's rubbish, throw it over your shoulder. If there's resistance, maybe at some point look into that. So you know. Not everything I say is going to resonate, but most women are living in their heads.

Star:

How do you know you're living in your head? You think you are your thoughts. You think you are your overwhelm, you think you are your anxiety. You think you are scared, you think you are disgusting. You think you are yourself loading your thoughts.

Star:

Our job, especially as mature women, is to learn how to be the observer of your mind. It doesn't matter how you do it, whether it's yoga, meditation, whatever, whatever breath, whatever does not matter tapping, havening but your job is to go shit. I'm not my thoughts, I'm the observer of my thoughts. So that's a process. But the first one is like am I in my mind or am I in my body? You know you're in your body.

Star:

So if we take a breath, it's well. First of all, if we feel our feet on the floor, maybe shutter our eyes closed, not if you're driving the floor. Maybe shutter our eyes closed, not if you're driving. So if you're somewhere where you're safe, shutter your eyes closed and just organically let the breath ride you. So just you're going. Oh, here's my breath. It's inhaling in through the nose, maybe exhaling through my mouth. Just going to follow the breath a couple of times. So, again curious, you're like well, how is my breathing? Where's it going into? What's rising as that inhale comes in? So you're just getting curious with it. You're not having to do anything special and just that moment with you being curious with your breath is going to open the portal up to your body. It's going to open up the portal to your body and so you start to arrive in your body. And the reason I've gotten all this preamble? Because in my brain I was like what the hell am I talking about, right?

Polly:

so I remember, I know, I know what she was.

Star:

I don't want it'm like. So why am I telling you all of this? Well, because as you come into your body, you can't. You're deeply, you're more connected to yourself, you're up in your mind, you're connected to your ego. Here I'm connected to my wisdom, my body. So, from this place, this place where my defenses have softened, where I feel safe with myself, where I'm tuning to my breath, that's the place where I connect to the parts. I cannot connect to my parts and you'll see me do it in a minute. I cannot connect to my parts when I'm stressed the fuck out, when I'm running around, when I feel and I'm putting the pressure on myself and I'm in my head. So there's a version what I do. And when I'm like that, what I do is I notice, oh, you're running around, oh, you're getting really stressed out, oh, you're getting antsy, I see you, I see you, I see you and because, if I ask myself to change, at that point I go fuck you, leave me, because I have this huge rebel inside me that was the instigator for all my addictions. So it's dropping in and then just noticing what's going on and I did this morning when I was journaling. I was like, oh, I don't really want to journal Journal sucks. And it's like, oh, I don't want to do it. And I was like, let's just stay with this. And I was like, okay, so I can feel that you're a little bit latency, a bit defensive. You don't want to do this, I don't want to do it, let's just write anyway and see what happens. And so I wrote a couple of things. I was like, oh, I feel uneasy, I feel uneasy. So what I'm doing is I'm checking into how I'm feeling. I'm feeling uneasy. I feel I mean again, I'm doing a quick version I'm scared. I'm scared, I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this. So there's a part of me that comes up. I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this. So there's two parts I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this. I see you. I hear, oh, I want someone to come and rescue me, I want someone to come and do this for me. I hear you. I hear you, it's a lot. It's a lot right now. I'm here, yeah, but you're not doing anything. I understand that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm here, though. I'm here with you. And so it's like this?

Star:

Well, it goes back to what we were saying a minute ago about this process of women realizing uh, this isn't the laugh. I want finding someone to hear them. You've got to find someone good to hear you. You find the wrong person, you're gonna. It's not gonna work. So you've got to find someone who really hears you, really hears you.

Star:

And then what they're doing is they're modeling how you hear yourself. They're modeling how you hear yourself, because no one's gonna come and save you. No one is gonna come and serve your needs. No one is gonna make it better for you. It's you, it's on you. Now people out in the out in the world, they might say no, no, no. I'm like no, no, it's all on you, it's all on you.

Star:

So this comes back to the resentment piece and I can feel like my life's completely changed this year, like I have my adult son come back into my world and I can feel myself getting resentful and I'm like no, no, no, no, you take care of your needs, you take care of your needs, you take care of your needs. You need to rest. And if you don't want to rest, then shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. So can you see, it's like this.

Star:

So it's like this medley of taking responsibility, this coming back out of your head, connecting this, honoring where you are at, and this learning this skill on how to talk to these parts, because where I'm talking to my parts is I'm always coming from my higher self. Yeah, I'm coming from my soul led version of me because, yeah, there could be another part that goes well, you just need to get on with it. And I'm like I hear you, can you sit there for a minute? And I'm just going to deal with this part that feels scared. That's normally what happens with my clients. Other parts come in like they're firefighters and they're like well, we just need to be able to get on with it. And it's like I hear you and inside you, you've got all these parts and you're learning how to manage them yeah, it's like.

Polly:

It's like internal, internal family systems, isn't it? All these different parts coming in. But I think what you said, firstly, about taking responsibility for yourself, is so key and so important, because so often we just outsource it, we just think, oh, we're gonna, that it's not my responsibility, I'm gonna go and do this thing and that's gonna make me better, and actually it's not. You have got to take your own responsibility and I think when I realized that that was like the game changer, it's like no one's gonna do it for me, I've got to sort this, I've got to sort it out myself. Yeah and yeah. And I think being able to identify those feelings, giving yourself an opportunity and a space to identify those, those parts and those feelings, is so important. So many of us don't do that enough. So that's what you said giving yourself an opportunity.

Star:

Yeah, but what I, when I? No one's taught you this, being probably not going to be able to do it on your own. You're not. It's like you know, it's IFS. I've been training in this for like 15 years. I work with clients day in, day out. You're not going to be able to do this on your own. You've got to go and get training. So it's like you and I if we were going to go and learn ballet. Don't tell me you're an amazing ballet dancer. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I mean, I'm rubbish, right so, but it's like we don't expect to show up into or into a ballet lesson and be a prima donna in an instant.

Star:

So this is what I call. It's emotional elegance. And here's the brainwashing. You haven't been taught how important this is. This is a non-negotiable life skill that you need to be able to master. You need to be able to master your emotions. You need to be able to master your, your mind. Otherwise, your emotions and your mind are going to rule your life. And if you're a woman who's always reacting, if you're always thinking oh, it's their fault, it's their fault, it's their fault, oh, it's not me, they're the ones doing it. Uh, no, everything around you is a mirror for you, for you, and it does. The buck stops, and it starts and ends with ourselves as well yeah, it's like a massive unappealing of all.

Polly:

It's like you know, I always think about ourselves like an onion. We're just peeling off all the layers of crap, of stories, of cultural conditioning, to arrive back to ourselves, our true essence.

Star:

So, again, like you arrive back to true essence. But then journey hasn't the journey's just begun. Because then you're like, oh well, there I am, now I need to be the best version of yes, yeah, now I need to be the best version of me. So you're like taking all these layers off and then you're left with this rawness that you don't really know what to do with. And again, this is another reason you need to be around the right people. How do you know you're around the right people? Because they resonate with you. There's something that when they speak, you're like I want more of that, yes. So, again to answer your question, where do women start? When you'll find the people? If you ask for my guides, ask for people to open my mind, they're going to come into your life, and then you listen to them. Because now what you're doing is washing your brain, not brain washing.

Polly:

You're washing your brain yeah, being so conscious and careful of what you let into your life, what you let into your environment, yeah, um, yeah, I noticed on your Instagram that you have loads of followers hundred and something thousand and you follow 70, which I thought was a really interesting, because I'm trying to get back down to those sorts of numbers and it's just such a faff trying to just go through and unfollow, unfollow and follow. I was like, wow she, she really does curate her feed very carefully. I do.

Star:

And whenever I go on it, I hate Instagram. Like I don't. I'm like I'm having a hiatus from social media at the moment because I'm exhausted, but when I go on my Instagram, I'm like what the fuck is this? It's rubbish. And then so I'm just like like why are you even on here? So my question is like sometimes I will sit and I will tune out and like and I'll just go right and do an hour and you can lose an hour easily on either of these two apps TikTok or Instagram. But the other reason is is when I'm on there, it's like what are you looking for? What? That's a really good question to ask.

Star:

Actually, I'm going to start asking myself that more often as well. It's like, when I'm on here, what am I looking for? And actually I already know it's like I'm looking for rest, I'm looking for respite. Well, you're not going to find it scrolling online starboard row. You're going to be stimulated, you're going to be activated and I'm looking for respite. I'm looking for a break. Go and sit in the sun. Yeah, go for a walk. Can you see that?

Polly:

yeah, I can totally see that, because that's what we do. We just kind of you get, you go in there because you might be a bit bored and you're yeah, you're looking for something, just a little bit of a sort of like I just want to zone out, yeah, but actually then you lose yourself in it. You end up feeling crap because you're seeing what all these other people are doing, and then you start to compare yourself and then all the stories start to grow and it doesn't serve any use whatsoever, exactly. So, yeah, I am, I, I go, I go through real waves with it. Sometimes I'm, I'm in it and then other times I just have to leave it be, I just have to kind of go, I'm, it's not good for me, I've got to let it go, um, but but then when you're, when you're, when you've got your own business and it's kind of like you know, it's a difficult one, isn't it?

Star:

yeah, I mean, it's that's where I am with at the moment. I was just talking to my assistant, uh, before I got on the call with you today and I was like I just feel like I'm having this massive identity crisis at the moment and I just know I can't show up when I'm like that. I just need to let it ride, because also, when I don't, really and this is part and parcel of life there's a. I wonder if I can remember this quote. It's like we're not meant to cling on to who we are, because we're meant to shatter into a thousand pieces and free form over and over again. And so I know I'm in this kind of metamorphosis at the moment, and so the last thing I want to be is online, because my brain literally just goes well, look at them, they know what they're doing, they, and she knows what they're doing, he knows what they're doing, so, and you don't know what you're doing, but actually that's the truth, and so it's like no, I don't know. So why are you on here? So it's just like it's. So it's. But also social media is it's.

Star:

It's a tricky one for, but for business, when I'm in it, I literally produce my content and then I'm off and I tend not to um anymore, even respond to the comments. Because here's my thing about the comments is that over the years, um, I mean the abuse I get online is unreal, the absolute abuse, the abuse I get in my DMs, the abuse I get on my stuff, and so the thing is what I've learned is not to take any that too much notice of it. But the flip side of it is that I get love bombed a lot. I love you, I love this, you're amazing. So I cannot take any notice of that either. So if I can't take any notice of the hate, then I don't tend to take any notice of the other side, so it neutralizes it out, and then I just know that my stuff is there for you if you want it, and I get it.

Star:

It's a tricky one because we're told who are told by some, and I get it. It's a tricky one because we're told who told us that we need to be able to converse and communicate, but not if it's at the expense of yourself, not if it's at the expense of your energy and your bandwidth, and you come first, first and foremostly. And so, yeah, this social media is a wild ride. It's a, it's a wild ride and I'm I'm like, I'm still navigating it, but for me, my peace, my time, my energy, I protect it, protect it at all costs yeah, and I think that comes back to that sort of self-pressure that we we impose on ourselves.

Polly:

It's that fine line, isn't it between I, isn't it between I've got to do this, or actually, you know, I get to do this. Nice, yeah, you know. I mean, I know, for myself, I'm kind of constantly about, oh, discipline, discipline. I'm so good at discipline and good at kind of showing up and doing the things and getting up early and doing my morning routine, but sometimes, and I know, know, I'm kind of like hold on a sec, am I doing this?

Star:

and totally dissociated from actually myself and what I really should be doing for myself, to nurture and yeah, that's a really good um example of and I've been there as well and and I'm a work in progress a lot of my clients say they like my, me, my work, because I'm messy. I'm always showing up saying, oh, like I'm still doing this work, but it is. It's you lose you, it's losing yourself, it's that disconnection and again, it's that it's. It really is a lifestyle shift of learning to be with yourself all the time, learning to be connected to yourself. And people go. Well, I am connected, I know what's going on. But that's your head. But are you connected to your body? Because your body literally tells you whether she's tired, whether she's hungry, whether she's full, whether she has aches and pains, whether she's full, whether she has aches and pains. She'll tell you what's going on. But we have been brainwashed to disconnect from her wisdom and our job is to here you go, to live a life with the body, not against the body. I feel that's quite profound, but it's, there's a there's a quote by victor frankwell. It says between stimulus and response is a space, reside in the space. And what I said to myself is let's create a life around the space. Let's create a life around the space. And I've just bumped myself out of some.

Star:

Really, I was working really hard just again. Addiction into working, and it's taken me a good two months just to recalibrate my nervous system. Because what happens when we get disconnected? We go into fight, flight, fall and freeze flat. Adrenaline rises, cortisol rises where hormones are all over the spout like stress. Isn't a good look on. It's not a good look on me at all. I get all serious. Um, I don't laugh at anything. Everything's too pressured. Um, and so it's this oh, do I want to live my life? And I love what you said. It's like do I want to do this or should I? But you didn't say quite the way, but you was like I'm doing this, but do I want to do this?

Polly:

yeah, yeah, because, again, it's like the work thing as well. You know we can all is you know, especially if you are creating something which has come from a place of love and something which really truly lights you up. It's very easy to just grind away at it because, because you want it to, you want it to be successful. Again, I suppose it's that external validation as well, as well as having the impact on the people you want to have the impact on.

Star:

Yes, because what I'm learning more and more. Life keeps throwing this my way. Now it's like, well, there's a quote when I went. I went to Bali in 2018 because I was just like, oh, I don't know what to do with my life. So I went to Bali and, uh, do some yoga training. Didn't like the yoga, but the quote of the word karma, karma.

Star:

I always thought what goes around comes around and there's a deeper meaning to it. And the deeper meaning is we show up each day doing the best we can. We go to bed at night recognizing our efforts. So how many women go to bed at night recognizing their efforts? Like I could spend a whole two hours just talking about these top two lines. So go to bed at night recognizing our efforts. And then what happens is, because we're not recognizing our efforts, we expect other people to recognize our efforts because they're not recognizing our efforts. Because we're not recognizing our efforts, we get resent and bitter, right? So that's the first two lines. So I, I show up every single day doing the best I can. I go to bed at night recognize my efforts.

Star:

I release all expectations of what the future may hold because there are no guarantees. So, yeah, you could create a course. I'm creating a new program right now. There are no guarantees. My coach just said to me she goes. You've got to be willing to earn this much and lose the exact same, that you've got to be willing to hold both.

Star:

The paradox, um, there are no expectations. I don't care what anyone says, there's zero expectations in life. Everything outside you is unpredictable, wildly chaotic, and something else. Unpredictable chaotic is another word. And then the last part of that is and I trust I trust this is moving into surrender, into faith. Is this why I have a faith and I would suggest everyone find a faith. I trust that the right people, circumstances and events will find me when the time is right, and that means that we need to be a vessel, a pure vessel, for life to find us. It's not going to find us when we're sitting on the sofa moaning and groaning and watching Corrie and drinking Sauvignon Blanc and moaning about menopause and how weight, weight. That's what women always moan about. Oh my God, I'm like shut the fuck up, jesus, like it's not. Nothing's going to find you sitting on the couch and you're moaning and groaning. It's going to find you when you are taking the utmost care of yourself, when you're a pure vessel, when you are cleaning yourself out every single day mind, body, soul.

Polly:

Oh gosh, yes, you are talking my language here and it's just such a good reminder. You know, and we all need to hear this, and it's the thing you know. You might know it, we know it, but it's just hearing it, hearing it again and again, practicing it. Yes, practicing it again and again. And yes, practicing it again and again, and just so that it becomes just part of us becomes us.

Star:

And that's what one of the things I say and even as I'm talking, I'm talking to myself, like words of medicines, while I'm taking my own medicine over and over again and it's like, um, whatever we talk, we, we breathe life into. So if you're talking about let's just use menopause because it's a great one, because every time I'm on there I'm like, oh my god, moaning about weight loss, moaning about the hormones, moaning that it costs so much, moaning that there's no support, moaning that you're on your own. That's what you're going to get more of. You're going to get. Whatever you breathe life into, you're going to get more of. And no, this is not easy, because it means that you've got to do, like, literally, a U-turn on yourself, like put a handbrake on and go. No more, no more.

Star:

My words are spells. What spell am I putting myself under? And you only have to know. You will know what spell you're putting yourself under. There's a big mirror over here. When you look in the mirror and whatever the first words come out of your mind, out of your mind, that's the spell I'm not good enough, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm this, I'm that, I'm old. Or you look in the mirror and you go. I love you.

Polly:

We've got this yeah, that is the work, that is the, that is where you want to get to. And I think I don't know about you, but I think that, again, you, you might have periods of time where you're like, yes, I love you, you, you know, I've got this, and then you fall out of it again and then you've just got to keep. You've got to just keep going and doing doing it, because, because there's so many, there's so much noise around us that it's very easy to fall back into those 100% poly.

Star:

Yeah, 100% it is. It's like continuous work. I think a client said to me earlier this year she went when's the work end, or when you die, or when, if ever, you want to start drinking again or doing drugs. I mean like that, you just like numb it all out, but it's still all there. But it's like it's and it's it's sometimes.

Star:

This is what I was thinking yesterday. I was like why does it have to be so hard? I was just like why does it have to be so hard? And I was just like do you know what? It's the ebb and flow of life? It's the ebb and flow of life like last year I had a good year. Last year it flowed more. This year, nah, it's like it's is.

Star:

I was looking at the cyclone that hit um, is it? Bondi beach was? No, it was. It was like the gold coast in Australia and it's just. I was like that's kind of how my life feels this year. But it's like but here's the thing, if we put a marker, put a label on it. So I already did so, I called myself out my project so last year I had a good year.

Star:

Last year was, if things fell into place a little bit this year. Things aren't falling, the jigsaw pieces aren't falling into place, but they're not meant to fall back into place. Here's the metamorphosis, because there's a new jigsaw being formed. So I can't force it, I can't force the pieces to come in, I can't force it all to come together until it's red, until I'm ready for these new pieces.

Star:

And I would say to my clients I'm like you've got to be the woman who is ready to receive her life, her life, the version of her that she wants. You've got to be ready to receive it, because so many women get what they want and then they self-doubt, they second guess is this for me? Should I have this? Can I have this much happiness? Can I have this much money? Can I have this much flow? And it's like done, they destroy it. And so it's always. This work is always us becoming vessels for us to attract. I would say it's not whatever you want's out here, it's not you're going to that. The desires you're making the desires come to you, that your desires literally want to look at you and go oh, my god, I want that woman so much. I'm going to make this happen. That's energetic frequency.

Polly:

Yeah, that's being magnetic yeah, you've got to have the faith in yourself and become that version of you who is capable of attracting and receiving.

Star:

Yes, and, and this is great because then and this is where the maturity comes in I'm not saying this is an age thing, but it's a maturity, because this is extracting ourselves, detaching ourselves from the 3d world, what we see outside us, because if we're basing on our life, on what we want, and we're looking outside our current life and the life that is current is because of all the things that we were before we're going to self-doubt ourselves. So you cannot focus on external validation, and so, in this is a big lesson for all women to unhook yourself from external validation, to unhook yourself from people's opinions, people thoughts, from the reality that is currently presenting to you, because the reality is who you have been and who you are becoming, is happening, and it changes inside you first, and then the external catches up.

Polly:

Yeah, and that's when it suddenly something will happen so easily and you're kind of like how, how did that happen?

Star:

how did it?

Polly:

happen and it's just like, oh my gosh, it's just sort of arrived and that's because you're ready, you're ready, you're ready to receive it.

Star:

Here's a good, here's a great analogy for that. That's like I've been. I've been in the gym now for about, I think, three years and then last year I was like, let's me, let me look at my eating, because I knew my eating was wasn't on on par to match my training, so I hired a PT I think I'm in six months of this of working with him with my diet. So, like, looking at my eating and bear in mind it's my house hasn't got any heating. It's been freezing all of the winter, so I've been covered up. And I looked at my arms the other day and I was like, where did you come from? I was like I've got muscles, I've got definition, and that is the six months previous of me eating really well, probably like 80 75 of the time. But it's all the stuff that we're doing in the background that will come out at some point. We're just do you know what we are? We're human beings, we're just impatient and impatient, and patience requires patience yes, yeah, exactly, exactly it is.

Polly:

It's always little small steps. We all know, star, I'm very conscious of the time I could talk. I could chat to you all day. It's so good, I suppose. To finish, is there something, is there something that perhaps, like maybe just one thing, you were going to give the listeners to take away? To kind of sum up everything we've talked about, is there something that you would say to the listeners and leave them with?

Star:

yeah. So the thing that's on the tip of my mouth and here it's like there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you, and I want to give them a little practice. So what I would do and this I'll do, let's do it really gently is every morning when you brush your teeth, because because let's just stack it onto something Every morning when you brush your teeth, I want you to take a moment. You don't have to look into your eyes in that mirror, don't worry about that but what I want you to do is put your hand on the mirror and look at your hand and then touch your shoulder in the mirror. So you're looking at your shoulder in the mirror. I think I'm making sense, but you're just. What you're doing is connecting to yourself and just take a couple of breaths in and out, just go. I'm here. Maybe I don't want to be here, maybe today's a bit tough, maybe I just feel the world's against me, maybe it's just I don't know, and it's just like I'm here.

Polly:

I'm here. Yeah, I love that, I love that yeah and it's just like yeah, just like.

Star:

And so you're not doing like intense eye gazing. It's just like you're just. Oh, it makes me want to cry. It's just like I'm here.

Polly:

And it's like a really lovely reminder that you are always there and it's really nice way to start your day just to remind yourself that when, yeah, when you are giving yourself a tough time, that you are there and that you can remind yourself.

Star:

Yeah yeah, so underneath all the noise, underneath it, I'm here, and just so you're being honest with yourself as well, yeah, thank you.

Polly:

Thank you so so much for coming and talking. I've really enjoyed it. I mean, I could talk so much more, but, um, thank you, it's been amazing and, yes, I really appreciate it. Yeah, go on.

Star:

I was gonna say, if anyone, I'll tell you what, because I've got like a free gift. So if so you listen to this. Then what you need to do, come and find me on Instagram, ms. I I'm at, ms ms star monroe, slide into my dms, let me know that you heard me on polly's podcast and then I'll send you my free gift amazing, amazing, fantastic.

Polly:

Yes, great, I'll put that in the um. I'll put that in the show. No-transcript.