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#124: Embracing your flaws: How Shyness Became My Superpower

• Polly Warren

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What if the parts of you you’ve spent a lifetime hiding, the quietness, the sensitivity, the urge to shrink, were never weaknesses at all?

In this episode, I share my personal story of how I’ve navigated shyness over 51 years. From childhood moments that wired me to retreat, to Instagram Lives that stretched every edge of my nervous system.

This is the journey of reclaiming a new kind of power, one that doesn’t require performance, volume, or perfection.

For years, I believed my shyness was something to overcome. Something that made me less than. Something that held me back from speaking, leading, and being seen.

But what if the quietness was never the problem?
What if the real issue was how the world responded to it?

💭 If you’ve ever hidden your voice
💭 Avoided being seen — even when you want to be
💭 Or felt like your quietness disqualifies you…

This episode is for you.

Because shyness is a trait — not a flaw.
And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do…
is show up exactly as you are.

Download The Breath Check-Up - your FREE guide to understanding how well you're breathing right now.

Download my energising 5 Minute Morning Practice to get your day started in the best way possible.

To find out more about my membership The Inner Space go to: https://www.pollywarren.com/theinnerspace

Email me at: info@pollywarren.com
https://www.pollywarren.com/
https://www.instagram.com/pollywarrencoaching/

Speaker 1:

Are you, like me, riding the roller coaster of midlife and menopause and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self-doubt? Well, it's time to stress less and shine more. It's time to ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and tap back into the incredible woman you already are. Because midlife isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of becoming more you, more grounded, more radiant, more powerful than ever before. Join me each week for real, uplifting conversations to help you feel better, think clearer and live with more joy, purpose and ease. Because it's never too late and you're certainly not too old. So whenever you're ready, let the beautiful menomorphosis begin. Hello, hello and welcome back to menomorphosis. I hope you're doing well. I hope you've had a good week. Thank you so much for joining me. So today I'm going to do another solo episode. Now, I didn't intentionally set out to do these solo episodes every other week, but that's kind of how it's working out and, having not really enjoyed doing solo episodes in the past, I'm actually really leaning into them and, on reflection, when I think back to it, I think the reasons why I never really enjoyed doing these episodes on my own was because I didn't really believe that anyone would want to listen to just me. I think it was a real self-worth issue that what I had to say wasn't particularly interesting, and so I kind of struggled with. You know what am I going to say? So what I would do is I would research the hell out of the episode and make sure I just had so much information, so much content to share. However, it's interesting because and I don't know why this is and maybe it's because as I just as time is going on, I'm getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm feeling more secure that what I have to say is actually of some value. But I'm actually finding these episodes now really enjoyable. I almost find them like a little bit of a diary entry. Yeah, so here we go, so I'm hoping that you're enjoying it too.

Speaker 1:

I do always really love to hear whether these land or whether they don't. Don't get me wrong, I still love doing interviews. I really do love listening to other people's stories. I love asking the questions, so I've still got lots of those coming up, but today is going to be a solo one.

Speaker 1:

Today's came around really because I've really managed to turn something which I have believed has been my biggest flaw, the thing about me which I've really wanted to change throughout my whole life, and I really feel like I have finally accepted it and actually can now see that this part of me is actually probably one of my greatest strengths. So what is it? Well, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted not to be seen. My dad loves to tell me the story of how, as a little girl, I'd always hide behind his legs if anyone tried to talk to me, if I was out in public, if I was in front of any of their friends. You know, not only did I not want to talk to anyone, I didn't even want to be looked at. So I had, really from the age zero, this real shyness, this real desire to not be seen, and that has followed me throughout my whole life and that I have always thought of something as really negative. Talk about this in that what we often think of as something which is a real flaw can actually and probably is your greatest strength. So that deep desire to disappear followed me into school.

Speaker 1:

So I have three standout memories from my primary school which I obviously really did scar me quite deeply in some way, because they are all so memorable and so vivid in my mind. You know those moments that really lodge themselves right into your nervous system and stick Now. The first one was I reckon I must have been about seven or eight, so the equivalent I think of about year three here in the UK. So I was with my teacher, Mr Cahoon, who I actually really liked. I really did like this teacher. However, and I don't really remember what had led up to this or what I had done. I mean, it was probably something really silly and insignificant, I imagine. But what I do remember is Mr Cahoon coming over to where I was sitting and I literally remember him picking me up, kind of how he put his hands either side of my shoulders and he picked me up from my desk in front of the entire class and plonked me inside this sort of giant bin and I think he was joking In fact, I'm sure he was joking and everyone was laughing, everyone burst out into this laughter whilst he put me in this bin. I mean, when you think about it now, it's like what, what was he doing? But obviously it was my worst nightmare, the fact that I had been pointed out, picked up, put in the bin. Everyone was laughing.

Speaker 1:

And on top of it, just to top it all off, I went bright red, as I always did, just red with embarrassment, wanting to be hidden away, red with embarrassment, wanting to be hidden away, which obviously made the whole thing feel even more unbearable. So that was like the first really horrible experience I can remember. Then there was a science lesson with a teacher who I most definitely didn't like and for some reason he called everyone boy, regardless of their gender. And one day mid-lesson he pointed straight at me and barked really loudly and he said to me stand up, boy. Of course I didn't correct him going actually'm. I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. I just couldn't. So I just stood up absolutely mortified, as again, I just felt that surge of heat, of redness to my face. And of course someone in the class shouted out oh look, she's going red, which is just the worst thing when you are going red, because that just makes you go even redder. So that was another really humiliating, traumatizing, just awful situation.

Speaker 1:

And the third thing I can remember from this time was the door incident. So I was a little bit older here I think I was probably more like 11 or 12 here and the school building was quite an old building. We were in the main building and two of my friends and I were just messing about near this enormous, really old, big, it was big oak door. I think it was oak, anyway wooden door, and I was actually behind the door and my two friends were pushing it back and forth. I mean it was playfully, I do seem to remember it was kind of in a playful way, but they were slamming it towards me, which sounds really awful. And suddenly, as they were doing this, the whole of this really big, heavy, massive oak door ripped off its hinges and came crashing down to the floor with like it was like a proper thud and from that we were all in massive trouble. So you can imagine we had broken this old oak door of its hinges, these three little girls and our punishment.

Speaker 1:

We got into so much trouble. Our punishment was to stand facing the wall just outside the staff room during any and all of our free time, to stand facing the corner in the assemblies every morning. So what was so awful about this was that everyone knew all the teachers, all the other children, and I just remember feeling so exposed and, worst of all, I wasn't even the one pushing the door, I was the one behind the door. I felt like the victim. So the whole thing was awful. I think my parents got they got sent the bill to repair the door. It was just. It was just all very traumatizing.

Speaker 1:

Looking back now I can see it wasn't just embarrassment, it was the exposure. I can just see a really shy little girl. That was my general nature. But I got caught in these situations where I I just was so utterly seen in the worst way and I can now see that shyness. It's always been there. But it was those particular situations which magnified it in the worst way, which made it feel like a really negative, a negative thing. And even when I started secondary school it continued.

Speaker 1:

I remember during my very, very first week at boarding school, and so we all ate um in these in our houses and we sat in my house, we all sat on mixed tables with different ages, and I remember in that first week an older girl I think she was quite a lot older than me she just all she did was ask me to pass the water jug at dinner time and just that small request was enough to send me bright red. Everyone saw, everyone laughed, everyone was kind of going oh look, she's going red, she's going bright red. And it was there again, that feeling, that deep aching desire just to let the floor swallowing me up, to shrink, to vanish. So that was another time and that was annoying because I then had this label of oh look, that's the girl who goes red.

Speaker 1:

And then, as I grew into my teenage years, I suppose I discovered things which helped me break out of my shell a bit. So I started being a bit naughty. So rebellion really helped. You know, hiding behind that mask of being someone who I wasn't really. Alcohol, cigarettes, all of those sorts of things, they kind of gave me this temporary confidence boost, but obviously weren't great, but they did make me feel a little bit braver. But deep down I still preferred to be in the background. I still dreaded being seen. I still didn't like it when someone asked me a question in class and I had to speak out. And when then I was working, I mean it got. It did ease up as I got older.

Speaker 1:

But when I was working my first job, which I used to work in public relations and PR, I had to obviously overcome this shyness. I had to meet new people. I had to speak to clients and so, gradually, I did begin to gain more confidence to speak up and so, yes, most of the time I was much better, I was okay. But there were still definitely really cringeworthy moments, and one of those one standout awful moment came during my 20s it must be my 20s.

Speaker 1:

I was working in a PR agency in London and I was pulled quite last minute into a big pitch meeting with all of the senior management team of my PR agency and with all it was at Coca-Cola. So there was all these Coca-Cola executives. So I was pulled in. I wasn't prepared at all, which wasn't really my fault. I think they just wanted me in there to bring in a more junior member of staff. But I was, I had to, I had to present and when it came time for me to speak, I remember I didn't really know what I was saying and I completely and utterly fluffed it. And as I was speaking I was new in my mind. It's like I don't really know what I was saying. And I completely and utterly fluffed it and as I was speaking I knew in my mind it's like I don't really know what I'm saying. My voice started to tremble, I started to go bright red. I stumbled through it. It was absolutely horrendous, sweating profusely, and again I just wanted the whole ground just to swallow me up. So that was another instance which has stuck with me.

Speaker 1:

I mean, all of these little instances and I think why I'm sharing them with you is because they were all evidence that this shyness of mine, this kind of this desire to not want to be seen, just kept coming up and showing me that it wasn't safe, showing me that it was a really negative thing. And even in my teaching career I wasn't immune. I mean, it's a result because I could speak confidently in front of 30 children, absolutely no problem. The moment I had to speak in a staff meeting, again I would just go bright red. It was really embarrassing and it became a bit of a thing. It almost became so bad that I thought at the time the head teacher must presume that I really fancied him or something, because every time I spoke to him I spoke out loud, to sort of to him in the staff meeting I would blush, oh, and so it kind of stops you from actually wanting to speak out, but I always did actually feel like I had something to say. So I did kind of speak out and then sort of just had to expect and accept that it was something which would happen.

Speaker 1:

I've had so many moments like this over my past 51 years that has told me that this shyness of mine and I'm going to call it shyness, because I do think it is a quality of mine which I've had since birth this shyness of mine was a problem is a problem that it's made me less than in some way, that it meant that I was weak, I was small, I was unworthy. Well, that's how it made me feel, anyway, and I often felt like it's held me back, like it's something that I've needed to hide. It's something that I've kind of had to overcome, and at times it really has felt like a curse. I always, always desired to be that person. I desperately wanted to be that person who could confidently talk to anyone, to be loud, to have that real presence in a room, but it's always felt so much easier just to let someone else do that.

Speaker 1:

Having said all this, however and here's the bit that has always quietly surprised me is that underneath all that shyness, beneath the blushing and wanting to disappear and that sort of internal tug of war. Underneath all of it has been this sort of quiet, steely determination. I've always had this real determination. I think it's kind of like a flicker of fire that's kept me moving forwards, even when most parts of me want to retreat. And I have to say, that inner drive really kicked in when I decided I wanted to start my own business, when I realized I had something important to say. I realized that I've just got to keep moving forward with this. I wanted to talk about menopause, I wanted to talk about midlife in a way that was going to really help others. I wanted to help other women feel less alone.

Speaker 1:

And that desire to put my story across, to help others, to support others, to speak the truth, to speak my truth, that desire suddenly became stronger than the fear I had of speaking out. It's not to say that the fear wasn't there, because, oh my goodness, that fear was still 100% there. But I knew that I and I wanted to as well, I must add to start. I had to start showing up, I had to get visible. I had to start showing up. I had to get visible, I had to be seen, I had to get more comfortable with being seen, which, for someone like me felt completely unnatural.

Speaker 1:

I still remember the first time I went live on Instagram. It literally felt like my nervous system was screaming at me not to do it. I genuinely had these feelings that I thought I might die. My heart was pounding, sweating, sweaty palms stumbling over my words and more often than not, I would absolutely hit record and then I would instantly delete it. But something inside me kind of just kept me going and I did, and slowly, very awkwardly, totally imperfectly. I kept going and, bit by bit, something began to shift. I started to collect evidence that I could do it, that it was actually safe to do it, that I could actually speak and survive, that I could share what I wanted to share and not completely crumble, and that I could be fully myself. Often I turn up on Instagram now and I have done in the past for after a workout, no makeup on Instagram now. And I have done in the past for after a workout no makeup, hair scraped back, waffling away and I've had evidence that people still connect with that, and that evidence is the gold. That's what carries you forward, that's what carried me forward, one little tiny step at a time, and that also is what happened when Lucy and I decided to start recording our Monday Motivational on Instagram.

Speaker 1:

It wasn't just about sharing inspiration. It was about practicing for both of us being seen, for giving ourselves permission to show up as we were, with not being fully prepared or polished. It was just giving ourselves an opportunity to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, and the more we did it, the easier it became. So, if you are someone who also struggles to share your voice, to be visible, to let yourself be seen, to be visible, to let yourself be seen, just know this. It's not about suddenly becoming confident, because that just doesn't happen. It's about recognising that part of you and accepting that part of you, and it's not a bad thing. But it's about showing up scared and doing it anyway. And when we do that, it just is so amazing at building resilience, building confidence by collecting the evidence, because every time you speak up, you share something, you post something, you go live, or you raise a hand in a meeting or you do something you don't think you can do. You're proving to yourself that you can, that you didn't die, that you are in fact alive, just you showing up as you are, and I think that's what we have to remember.

Speaker 1:

I also just want to add that I wished back then that I had the tools I do now to support me through my shy side, through my shyness. Without doubt they would have helped Not only to make the speaking out easier, but to know myself better and to understand that, in fact, this shy side of me, it's not something to hate about myself, but it's really something to lean into. I'd have had the awareness of this part of me and also why it sometimes makes me feel inferior or nervous to show up. So, for example, when you tap into your nervous system and you calm it by using different breathing techniques, you can then connect more easily to your true, authentic self, which means not only can you understand yourself better, not only can you understand yourself better, you can start to appreciate yourself better and you can actually become aware of what's actually true to you or what's just an outdated, limiting belief, and then you can also learn to reprogram those old beliefs and stories. So, for example, for me it's been about letting go of the shame of being a shy person and instead reprogramming that as part of me as something which is actually really good and something that makes me me and actually something which I now believe is a bit of a superpower. I know people enjoy working with me because of that quality, because of the fact that I'm more, I'm gentle and I have this ability to fully empathize, to understand that I have this softness. I'm not all out there in your face and I know I'm not alone in this.

Speaker 1:

So many women I work with, especially in midlife, have spent years, even even decades, believing that they need to shrink themselves, that if they're not the loudest voice in the room then maybe they shouldn't speak at all. So why is that? Well, I think that's because somewhere along the line we were taught whether that's subtly or whether that's very blatantly that confidence looks a certain way, that the power really belongs to the extroverts, to the loud ones, and that leadership sounds loud, that visibility is really reserved for those people who are outspoken, who are the ones who are commanding a room. But you don't have to be loud to be able to command a room. You can actually really do it in gentleness and softness.

Speaker 1:

Culture has a really funny way of glorifying volume the ones who speak up quickly. You know, always those kids in the class who would have their hands up first and speak out confidently, and when I was a teacher I would. I I didn't never used to actually accept people who had their hands up. I used to actually put all the children's names on lolly sticks and I mean, it probably made it worse, but it meant that if I asked a question, I'd pick a lolly stick and whosoever's name was on it I I would invite them to have a go at it. But that was just because then everyone got an opportunity to speak up and it wasn't just those really noisy, loud ones who always had their hands up who would take up the space. So, yeah, it's that alpha energy, it that um, which has always been glorified, and if you're a quieter, more thoughtful, more internal person, that's often mistaken for weakness and also shyness, I think sometimes can get labeled as awkwardness. I think that's what it's felt like a little bit.

Speaker 1:

For me is that sensitivity which which you may have, which can again just be dismissed as fragility. But I would not say that I'm fragile. I would say, actually, that I've got a real, as I said, I've got this real steely determination. So we're no, by no means less capable, it's just different. And so I've really started to lean into that part of me. So, yes, just because society values loudness doesn't mean it's the only path to impact.

Speaker 1:

In fact, this is what I want to really hammer home in this episode what if the very thing you've always believed is your flaw is actually your greatest strength, your quiet demeanor, your depth, your sensitivity? They are not things to fix, they're qualities to nurture. They're signs that you feel things deeply, that you think before you speak, that you listen, think before you speak, that you listen. And goodness, in a world that's so often shouting, that kind of presence is powerful and it's really, really healing. So this has been such a game changer for me, because for so long I really thought I had to become someone else in order to be successful, to be more out there, to be more charismatic, more confident. But as I've started to accept and even celebrate the way I'm wired, and when I lean into that natural way of being rather than trying to override it, that is when I feel much more confident and I feel like, yes, I have got this sort of internal power and this real sense of well. It's a real quiet confidence, and the same is absolutely possible for you too.

Speaker 1:

You don't need to perform, you don't need to fake confidence or be someone you're not. You just need to take that first brave step towards being seen as you are and, yes, it will feel uncomfortable. Visibility does stir up all the stuff, particularly all those horrific past experiences we feel ashamed about, all those horrific past experiences we feel ashamed about. But it's in the doing, however shaky or however scary, that you start to build the evidence. Evidence that you can survive the discomfort that people don't run away when you show up, that actually you can do it. It's those baby steps that move the needle. So you can start straight away.

Speaker 1:

And it doesn't mean you have to go and put yourself out there on social media, whatever it is that you want to do. I mean, a great way is just to start recording a voice note on your phone about something you want to say, even if no one hears it. It's about finding your voice. You know you can always post an Instagram story and just see if you can do it. You can just initiate a difficult conversation, even if you have a really trembly voice. All of it matters and all of it normal. So if you've ever felt less than because you're not the loudest or the boldest, just remember your softness and gentleness, and shyness is not your weakness, it is your superpower, your presence, your thoughtfulness, your ability to connect quietly but deeply. That's your magic. What if you stopped trying to be more like the loud ones and just started being more like you? Because that's where the true strength lies in showing up not as the version of the you the world told you to be, but as the version you already are, underneath all the social conditioning. You don't need to get louder, you just need to get clearer on who you are. Be more you to.

Speaker 1:

I want to read you a quote from the brilliant Jen Sincero, who's written well. She's written various books. Her first I think it was her first book which is called you Are a Badass, which I'd highly recommend you read, and I've taken this quote from this book because I thought it fitted really well. She says your job is to be as you, as you can be. This is why you're here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat you are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world. It's one and only chance to bask in your brilliance. We are all perfect in our own magnificent, fucked up ways. I think that's a good place to finish.

Speaker 1:

Please do remember that I'd love to know if this episode resonated with you. Please do let me know. You can email me at info at pollywarrantcom, or you can come over to Instagram at pollywarrantcoaching, or, even better, write a review on Apple Podcasts if you've enjoyed this episode or any other. And if you haven't already, please, please, please, do just hit those stars to rate this podcast and make sure that you subscribe so you get all the episodes as they come out. Thank you so much again for listening. I really do appreciate it. Take lots of care, have a wonderful week and I will speak to you next time. Lots of love, bye.