
MENOMORPHOSIS
MENOMORPHOSIS is the go-to podcast for midlife women who are ready to stop feeling like a stranger in their own body — and start feeling calm, energised, and back in charge.
If you're navigating peri/menopause or the messy middle of midlife, you’ll find grounded support, science-backed tools, and compassionate conversations to help you feel more like yourself again — only wiser.
Hosted by Breath & Wellness Coach Polly Warren, each episode blends real-life insight with nervous system know-how to help you navigate hormones, emotions, energy, and identity with more ease — and a lot less pressure.
So take a deep breath. And when you’re ready…
Let the beautiful Menomorphosis begin.
MENOMORPHOSIS
Thursday Thoughts - Self Worth
On today's Thursday Thoughts, Lucy and I are talking about self-worth — the importance of which cannot be overstated.
As Jamie Kern Lima says in her book, Worthy, our self-worth is our ceiling; in other words we will only ever get as far in life as we believe we're worthy of getting.
Unlike self-confidence, self-worth truly is an inside job, and not something we can get from anything outside of ourselves, i.e. a job promotion, a relationship, or a medal. The truth is that we are all inherently worthy, so it's just a question of unlearning all of the subconscious beliefs that have taught us we're not.
Lucy & I talk about our own feelings of self-worth, as well as discussing some practical ways that we can increase our own sense of worthiness.
We really hope you'll find something helpful in here.
Love,
Polly & Lucy x
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Hello and welcome to Thursday Thoughts. Thursday Thoughts what on earth are they? I hear you ask. Well, my friend Lucy and I meet every week over on Instagram to talk all things personal growth, because she is as obsessed with it as I am, and we decided that we might as well put those conversations out as a weekly podcast. So now you can listen to us chat here on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and we'll be talking about topics such as spirituality, limiting beliefs, the ego imposter syndrome, gratitude, meditation, confidence and so much more. So if you're ready, here we go.
Speaker 2:So we're talking about self-worth, so this was your idea, so I'll let you intro this one.
Speaker 1:Yes, well, I was just. I was actually just having a quick look at this book. Which have you got this book?
Speaker 2:no, but I know of it and I love Jamie Cunningham.
Speaker 1:I think she's brilliant, yeah yeah, which is all about worthy, and she had, I mean, it's, it's really good and there's a bit. I just wanted to find it so I got it right. At the beginning of the book she says that 80 I don't know where she's got her stats from, but she's obviously got them from somewhere um 80 of women don't believe that they are enough, which is huge. 75 of female executives deal with imposter syndrome, not believing that they're worthy of that. 91 of 91% of girls and women don't love their bodies, and 91% that is wild. It's completely nuts. And it's not just women, it's men as well. 73% of men feel inadequate.
Speaker 1:Those stats are pretty nuts and I think you know we can all relate. It's such a deep rooted belief, this sort of I am not enough, this feeling of not enoughness, and it is something which I really believe that we have got to just it, constantly remind ourselves about, because inherently, we are born worthy. We don't have to earn worth. We are just worthy exactly as we are. But as we go through life because we get celebrated for the things that we do and the things that we achieve, starting right from school, all the way up we then start to get that confused that we think that the things that we achieve make us valuable and worthy, and so when we are getting, you know, we're comparing ourselves in the class.
Speaker 1:I once got naught percent in a history exam in my in my primary school and it was all. The results were plastered on the wall in the hall and my teacher gave me zero percent in history exam. I remember I wrote a lot anyway, you know, and when, like the things like that, I remember seeing that zero percent on the wall and immediately I was like, well, I'm useless, I'm not worthy, and things like that stay with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it can yeah, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:things like that can really stay with you forever and so what we have to do as we at now because these things crop up and they stay with you and you, they come into every part of your life we have to start unlearning all of these different beliefs that we have piled on to ourselves to rediscover our inherent worth and rediscover that. But it's not like we've got to do more to find it. It's literally like we've got to relearn how to get back there and take the layers off of all of this. It's like an unlearning of all of these beliefs that we've picked up along the way. And ultimately, you know we can. We can do all the things, we can be really successful in our lives. We can have all the money we can do, have all the accolades, but if we don't feel a sense of our own value and our own worth within the world, we're not gonna feel happy and fulfilled, and that you know.
Speaker 1:You hear a lot, don't you, of people who've done it all, they've reached their goals, they've done the big thing, and yet they they're a bit like oh, is this it? Um? I always think, actually, of Johnny Wilkinson, the rugby player, because he's recently. I had an interview of him recently, actually, and he reached his success at quite a young age and, and he said he just felt so empty after winning I can't remember what it was, it was a world cup he just felt empty and numb and it was a bit like, oh, and it's because if you haven't got this feeling of self-worth, then it doesn't mean anything and and it's it doesn't feel good. So it's really important that for all of us and it's a constant it's a constant process because you know the self-doubt, the, the fears, all of it is constantly there. And you know, yesterday we talked about um, having to have, you know, we're having that courage to to do the things that we want to do.
Speaker 1:But with this, again, it's like having the courage to take the steps to feel into your worthiness, I think, and to just do the things anyway and not let those beliefs stop us, because actually that is, I think. And to just do the things anyway and not let those beliefs stop us, because actually that is, I think, the way that you inherently get there. I don't think there's no magic pill that we can take to just feel our self-worth. You've got to kind of do the work to understand yourself, whatever things that are making you feel less than making you feel um doubtful about yourself.
Speaker 1:I mean, lucy, what you've recently been talking about with your book, and you know you have stood up and said I am happy being single and child free, and isn't it interesting when you did that, which is showing people I am feeling worthy as I am. People just couldn't hack it. So many people haven't been able to to take that because they are throwing onto you all of what they believe to be true, and that is what we're fighting. We're all fighting against other people's beliefs, like that always, and that is what makes us feel not enough.
Speaker 2:I hope you've made complete sense. Love you've made complete sense. Um, I agree with everything you've said and, as Jamie Kern-Lima has said, if anyone missed that book at the beginning, it's Jamie Kern-Lima's Worthy. Um, I haven't actually read it yet, but I know that one of the things that she talks about and one of the kind of main messages is that our self-worth is our ceiling in other words, how high or low our self-worth is, is how, how far or not we're going to get in life.
Speaker 2:And just speaking to one of the things that you mentioned, then I think this comes back to this concept and this, this thing that we all, I think, suffer with, this idea and this belief that when we get this, we will feel this and this very much. You know, when it comes to inherent self-worth, this is exactly what we have to kind of conquer. It's that understanding that our self-worth does not rely on something happening outside of ourselves. It doesn't rely on the oh I got married, therefore that adds to my self-worth. Oh, yeah, I got promoted. Therefore that adds to my self-worth. You know, it's not about those external things, those external quote successes, whatever it is it's about, it has to come inherently from us. So we have, so we have to work on building that inside of us without the need for validation from anything outside. We have to be able to validate our own self-worth. And you know, speaking to what you just brought up about what's been happening with me, polly, and the book and the article, and all the horrible comments with me, polly, and the book and the article, and all the horrible comments. I have to say, had I not done a lot of work on my own self-worth, like several years ago, this would have fucking crushed me Like it really would have, because I didn't have that internal sense of self. It's about your sense of self and it's not about, oh, you're really arrogant.
Speaker 2:Because I think there's this sort of stigma If you big yourself up, if you're confident, if you dare to speak out, there's this idea that, well, who the hell does she think she is? You know? Well, who the hell am I not to? Why should I not? Why should you not? Why should any of us not? But I think it's quite difficult sometimes because people well A people love to tear us down, don't they? Especially people who are sort of putting their head above the parapet. And also there is this slight stigma that, if it's as if people think you're being arrogant and that's not the case Standing in your self-worth and understanding that you are inherently worthy is nothing to do with arrogance. It's just having a strong sense of self, and that is what we should all be aiming for.
Speaker 2:And there are various ways that you know. You and I have certainly both worked on our own sense of worth and you know, there are certain things that we can do because, like you said, it's a practice, it's not just like, oh yeah, someone says, well, you are inherently worthy, so you go. Oh OK, great, thanks for that, I'm inherently worthy. How wonderful. You know the end.
Speaker 2:Obviously, it's not as simple as that. Like anything, it takes work, and a few of the things that we can do, like I mean, I'm sure you've got some ideas here as well, polly, but you know, one of the things that we can do is just to first of all ask ourselves how, how much are we allowing ourselves to be authentic, how much are we allowing ourselves to be ourselves? Because I think, if you and I think, sometimes it doesn't, it doesn't occur to us, like it doesn't occur to us to, unless we actually become aware of this and ask the question to ourselves and really think about it constantly, um, tempering myself, or toning myself down, or or shifting and changing and depending on who I was with or what I felt that they required from me in order for me to be accepted by them, you know, and so I think it's the one good thing to start with is to just have a little look, just check in with yourself. How much of yourself are you allowing yourself to be? And, of course, the problem is, and the challenge with that is that when you do start to allow yourself to become the most the sort of fullest expression of yourself, that is when you realize and you have to start understanding and accept that not everyone is going to like you, but that's and if only we could just get over this because not least because when we are being our authentic selves, when we're showing up in our, in our truth and being who the fuck we really are, and if that's like you know, like one of the things with me is I'm stupidly enthusiastic about things. I get like really overexcited and enthusiastic and people have taken the piss out of me for it my entire life. So I used to tone it down and now I'm like no, this is who I am. I'm really expressive and enthusiastic. Tough shit.
Speaker 2:Because what happens is the people who are meant to be in your life will gravitate towards you and the ones who aren't will be repelled, and we have to understand that that is okay. So the first thing I would say is to check in with with how authentic you are actually being to yourself and also that kind of leads on to check in with who are the people you are surrounding yourselves with and how do they make you feel? We have to really understand that the people that we're spending time with are affecting our self-worth, and either the people that you're spending time with are making you feel better and increasing your self-worth or they're not. So you might have to just check in with you know, who do I potentially need to perhaps spend a little bit less time with, for example? Time with, for example?
Speaker 2:And another way, I think, to kind of work on self-worth is to set yourself a challenge, because one of the best ways to build self-worth and build confidence although they're two different things, but one of the best ways, I think, to build self-worth is to set yourself a challenge that you then stick to, and that can be anything it can.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna start going for a mile walk every day, or I'm gonna start writing the book, or I'm gonna do whatever it is. It doesn't have to be big, but when we, when we hold ourselves accountable and we prove to ourselves that we can stick to our word and we do those little things and they make us feel better, that helps to build our sense of self-worth. I mean it can be, you know it can be going back to the like walking one mile a day. You know that is going to make you feel better about yourself. Something like a physical challenge, for example, is going to make you feel physically better about yourself, but it's also going to make you feel mentally better about yourself. So I think you know, setting a challenge, just something small, and just showing up for yourself and proving to yourself that you can do what you say, that in itself builds that sense of self-worth, you know. So there's just a few ways.
Speaker 1:Yes and yeah, I totally love what you said about what was the first thing you said you were saying about what did you say about being asking yourself how authentic you're actually how much? How?
Speaker 1:fully expressed you are as a human yes, having a moment, um, but yeah, I that. I think is is so key because it's so easy to wear different hats for different roles that we all have, and I have been the master of that of feeling. When I was a teacher, I needed to be put myself into this box. When I'm a mum, put myself in this box when I'm with my friends out having fun. I'm this person and actually I still do sometimes slip into that. I know I do so. I have to be really aware of it, but I think maybe with age as well, we give less shits and we just show up as we are. But I think that's so true. It's just like really noticing are you being truly yourself?
Speaker 1:I think people pleasing is quite a big sign as well. If you're constantly trying to please other people and do things for other people and you're in in the process of that, you're sacrificing what you want to do or sacrificing part of you. That is a real signal to go, okay, hold on a sec, why am I doing everything for everybody else and actually I'm not spending enough time on me and we hear it all the time, particularly women. We're constantly caring and doing things for other people and not to say that that's wrong, but at when it's at the expense of your own needs? Yeah, because you and you don't value your needs. That is where we've got to really take a look at that, because that's not doing anybody any favors. You know, as we say, we've got to fill up a car cup first and then we can give. So that is the most important thing that we can do is really feed our soul, and that's why we talk about all the work that we do. You know our, you know our morning routines. It's that opportunity to fuel ourselves, to fill up our cups with that overflow, so you can give the overflow to other people, which is hugely important.
Speaker 1:You mentioned also, um, self-confidence and self-worth and actually in jamie book worthy, which I have here she does, she does a whole chapter on this about the difference between self-worth and self-confidence, because they are different. Self-worth is more about how we feel inside, whereas self-confidence is kind of what you feel and what you show on the outside. So the confidence is built, yes, by taking actions, by doing the things, by building up that self-trust that is. But that can kind of fluctuate. The self-confidence can constantly fluctuate, whereas what she says is the self-worth actually is your. It's like your identity, it's your inner identity, and that is we want that to be as solid and stable and as possible, because that, that is how we're born. That should never go so the self-confidence.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we can constantly build in that and but it will. It will change depending on the kind of day we're having. Really, you might feel really bloody scared, but actually your, that your worth is knowing that you are 100% enough to go and show up as who you are and you're 100% worthy to, to speak, you know to, to show every side of you and and you shouldn't hide parts of you yeah because you don't thought that, because they're good enough, I mean.
Speaker 1:I'm saying like I'm an absolute master of it, but I'm so, not me, me neither it's a.
Speaker 2:It's a work in progress, isn't?
Speaker 2:it, it is a practice and it's something I have to continually work on, and you know, there's always a part of me that's going I'm not enough. Who the fuck are you to do this? Or who the hell are you to do that? 100%, I mean, it is definitely something that we have to work on continuously, but actually I think quite a lot of it boils down to well, all of it boils down to what is going on in here in our heads and and I think we have to this is another opportunity to take a really close look at what is that, that negative self-talk we have to become more aware of, of how we are talking to ourselves. We just have to. I used and I still do it, I still negative self-talk every fucking day. It's just these days I can stop it and I can go no, no, no, no, you're not a bloody idiot you know or you're not a complete muppet.
Speaker 2:I'm constantly going, oh god, you're such an idiot. Oh, my god, you're what a what a dick. No, no, so I think we I never used to realize, I was never consciously aware of that, of how impactful and how damaging our negative self-talk can be. We all have it, so we have to get aware of it. We have to. This is why you and I bang on and on and on and on about awareness, because without awareness we cannot change any of this. So, but I would just urge people to really start listening to that, that voice inside of your brain, because that is your ego, that is not the higher part of you, that is not your true essence, that is your ego that is worried about appearance and identity and status and all that shite. You know it's not the true part of you. So get that sort of higher part of you, watch it.
Speaker 2:This is why meditation helps, because meditation is, it is. It's not about clearing your mind. You know I've talked about this. It's very much not about clearing your mind.
Speaker 2:What it's about is or to me anyway, the way that I use meditation, the way that I interpret it is it. It allows us to separate our, our higher self, from that monkey mind that we all have, from our ego. It allows us to create that gap in between our true nature, our true self, our true essence, and what our brain and our mind is trying to do. So we, we, really, I cannot stress enough the importance of becoming super vigilant and aware of what your inner voice is saying to you, what your inner critic is saying, and it literally is a case of having to go no, no, no, no, stop it, stop it you. I, I say this out loud to myself, like if, if my inner, if my, if my brain is going oh my god, you're such a wanker. I'm like Lucy no, no, no, no, that's not, that's not true. Stop it. And and I'll, we have to, you have to have that sort of interruption.
Speaker 1:You need an interruption for that thought and in order to, you have to stop it, and and I'll, we have to you have to have that sort of interruption. You need an interruption for that thought and in order to, you have to stop it. You have to, literally. Yeah, it's the absolute. That is the tricky bit, it's that getting to that point where you can interrupt it, where you actually notice yourself going down that, down that loop. And so, yes, all of these tools, these tools like self-awareness, which you can cultivate through your meditation, through just getting that spaciousness, it's that inner spaciousness. It's quieting the noise, because when you've got so much noise going on in your head, it's just like it's like a really busy six-laned motorway whizzizzing round so it's very hard to catch those negative thoughts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when we can just and it's not.
Speaker 1:I'm not talking about emptying your thoughts, because it's actually it's not possible, but it is about just creating some space in your mind, getting some calm, so that actually you are able to just see and slow everything down and then you can actually go. Okay, I'm in that negative spiral again and it really does help as well. I mean, I'm I'm very good at um now when I'm going in those loops and I, if I'm struggling to break the cycle, I'm because sometimes I notice that I'll be in the the negative loop, but I'm really struggling to break the cycle, because sometimes I notice that I'll be in the negative loop, but I'm really struggling to break the cycle. It's just kind of happening again and again. So that is when I will either write it out and get it out somehow, or I'll speak to somebody, and that's a really good way of going.
Speaker 1:It's not like dwelling on it, it's just like I'm really noticing this, this thought I'm having and I just got it and I it's annoying me, now I just need to change it. So actually I find sometimes, when I've just kind of got it out and in a way that is like I don't know, it's not, yeah, I, you, it's just, it's just get, it's not. It's really important not to ruminate on it, because I think that could be the danger. But you know, it's just interrupting the thought pattern and then you can move on. Exactly that's really important. So it's noticing it first, being aware of it, trying to change it and, if you can't, finding another way of getting it out. That's your journey, through speaking it, through moving your body.
Speaker 1:I mean often I find going and moving, doing some exercise, that also sometimes you interrupt it, break it and then just talking to yourself so compassionately and I know everyone says this, you know, talk to yourself as if you were talking to your best mate or a friend or a family member, because it the tone of that is so different and actually can be so comforting and give yourself a load of grace.
Speaker 1:It's like, yeah, you're doing bloody amazingly just you know, can't you are doing great, just take it easy. So you know and that's what I sometimes have to say to myself just be patient, it's just, it is working. Just calm down and it really does help yeah, it really really does.
Speaker 2:I mean it really is, it really is a practice. That's the thing it is. You know, I think part of the problem with with all of this stuff is that we don't want to to do the work, or we're very resistant to doing the work. Because when it comes to particularly the you know thought work, when it comes to changing the way that we think and changing the neural pathways in our brain, which is essentially what we're trying to do yeah, it's a shed load of work, it takes time, but, but the thing is, once you start becoming aware of it and once you start putting it into practice, it becomes easier and ultimately, that is how you rewire your brain, that is how you stop, that is how you rewire, that is how you rewire your beliefs and your thought patterns is by interrupting a thought that you don't want and replacing it with a slightly better one. And it's not about going from I'm a worthless piece of shit to God I'm fucking awesome and I'm the most worthy person in the world. It's just choosing the slightly better thoughts and and that. But that is the way we literally rewire our brain interrupting it and refocusing it. And the more that we do that and I've said this so many times on my podcast, I've said it on this, on these lives, a thousand times. I have reminders in my phone every single day. I have reminders that come up every day, multiple times on my phone. So every time I look at my phone screen, there is some kind of positive affirmation or there is a reminder that I've put in my diary, I've put in, you know, my calendar on my phone and I set an alarm and it comes up at the same time every day. One of them, by the way, is oh, my god, jennifer Aniston has started following me. But, hey, moving on, um, but no, I, I it's such. It sounds like such a silly, simple thing, but that's the thing. It is a simple thing, but it's not a silly simple thing, but that's the thing. It is a simple thing, but it's not a silly thing, because it freaking works. Because if you don't take responsibility for this stuff, if you don't make the decision to do something about this, and the way that you do that is by actually going okay, I'm going to actually take action, I'm going to put some reminders in my phone, because the problem is, when you're not used to doing this work on your thoughts, you will slip back into your, into the programme. You will slip back into zombie mode, like we all do Myself, you, you know, us included, we all do it. But the difference is that perhaps you and I have more had had more practice recognizing when we've gone, when we've slipped back into zombie mode and back into the program, and we're we're better able to pull ourselves out of that. So, make it easier on yourself by setting yourself reminders, because it gets easier and it's so worth it.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's, it's hard being, you know, being constantly vigilant of your thoughts, but it is so damn important and it's going to change your goddamn life for the better. It's going to change your life Because, again, going back to Jamie Kern-Lima's book and what she says about worthiness, you know our self-worth is our ceiling. So if our self-worth is really really low, we're only going to, ever going to get so far in life. You know, it's just a fact. We're not going to get further than we believe we are worthy of, and and so it's. It's so, it's so, so worth it.
Speaker 2:And one thing I just want to say just really quickly, just speaking to the you know, my audience who are mainly obviously single and don't have kids, or lots of them have kids, um, but are single, and you know some of them aren't single and don't have kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, anyway, various various iterations of being single, not having kids. But I think what we do, particularly with those two things with the partner and the kids is we think that our worth comes from a relationship we allow ourselves to believe, because we've all been programmed to believe that it does. It fucking doesn't the end, but we've all been programmed to believe that it does. We all believe somewhere in our subconscious that being in a relationship equates to worthiness. Having children equates to you are worth more now because you've had kids. So I think, for the singletons listening out there, we have to realise, we have to believe and we have to tell ourselves, we have to keep telling ourselves over and over again your worth, nobody's worth comes from anyone else outside of themselves. Nobody's worth comes from a relationship and nobody's worth comes from having kids.
Speaker 1:It's the end, you know but it's also the same with and it's so true for particularly that your for your audience, because that is such a cultural narrative which we've all been told. But also it comes with achievements and exam results. And you know all these kids who are, you know, recently taken over exams, you know it's just so wrong how their worthiness is really pinned to what you get in their results, not their creativity, their kindness and all these other amazing attributes. And that is where that you can see where it all begins, because immediately you feel like a piece of shit if you don't get the results that your friend has got, if you don't then go on to achieve what they get to achieve. So this is what it's about.
Speaker 1:It's not about the achievements or the getting the stuff get. It's like it's not about getting stuff. It's about, as I said, it's from the stuff. It's not about getting stuff. It's about, as I said, it's from the inside out. It's about how you feel of yourself.
Speaker 1:And it's hard because of the world in which we live, where everything outside of ourselves gives us that sense of validation. But we've got to try and find somehow that internal validation where we don't need that external stuff. And often you can see in countries, the poorest countries around the world, where these people have nothing, there's loads of people living in one room and you'll go and see them then. They're so happy to share what they have with you and they're some of the happiest people there because they have a great sense of self-worth and it's like you don't have to have stuff to although obviously stuff is great and nice and being comfortable is great and nice but you, you know it's. It's about separating. That it's not gonna make you feel worthy. You could have all the stuff in the world and you can still feel unworthy.
Speaker 2:Yes, as you were talking, I had um. There was another point that I wanted to quickly make, but it's completely gone out of my menopausal brain. So, hey, what's new baby? Well, we'll be back on Monday uh, yeah, back on. Monday no, we're not back on Monday yeah, back on Monday.
Speaker 1:No, we're not back on Monday because we're going on holiday.
Speaker 2:So now we've got enough in the can, for I think we have one more Monday anyway, so we don't need to have this conversation on the theory. I'm sure you're right, love.
Speaker 1:I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Have a lovely holiday. Where are you going? I'm going to Oxtaki. Oh, lovely yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, thanks, love, lots of love. Speak to you later, bye, bye.